Weird Al Yankovic

[fox69]

"If I Could Make Love To A Bottle"

"If I Could Make Love To A Bottle"



If I could make love to a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
I'd search the world over to find one
that had the exact same circumference as you

 

[fox69]

"If That Isn't Love"

"If That Isn't Love"



ooh yeah
oh
i'm your shelter from the storm
you'll know I'll always have your back
I'll even let you warm your freezing hands inside my butt crack
I never get out my leaf blower when Oprah is on
and when you're telling me about your feelings I try not to yawn
and when we're at parties I don't talk about your spastic bladder
when you're cleaning the gutters on the roof I hold the ladder

and if that isn't love
if that isn't love
if that isn't love
i don't know what love is
nanananananana nanananano i guess i don't know
nanananananana
ahhhh listen now

there's a microscopic bit of milk left in the refrigerator
i coulda finished it off but i quit in case you want a tiny little sip for later
and if you cut the cheese then maybe i'll wink and say the dog's to blame
and i'll make sure to call you baby everytime i forget your name
i'll even tell you girl when you start looking fat
'cuz all your so-called friends will probably neglect to mention that

and if that isn't love
if that isn't love
if that isn't love
i don't know what love is
nanananananana nananana well then I don't know
nananannananna
oh no
even though you make me sit through Mamma Mia!
well I still adore you
i'll kiss you even if you have omelettes for breakfast
and i can't stand omelettes
after I take a bath
if its still warm i'll leave the water in there for you
i'll give you my word
you're so beautiful you make a glorious sunset look like a big fat turd
everytime I see you trying to lift some really heavy thing
you can always count on me to help by saying something encouraging
if you get drunk and pass out i'll never sharpie up your face
and I don't wipe my nose on your couch even though that's a super convenient place
i totally support every idiotic thing you do
and i almost never pretend you're someone else when i'm making out with you
and if that isn't love
if that isn't love
if that isn't love
i don't know what love is
nanananananana no i don't know what love is
nanananananana well I don't know what love is
I don't know what love is

 

[fox69]

"Inactive"

"Inactive"


[Verse 1:]
I'm waking up in Cheeto dust
My belly's covered with pizza crust
I'm using my inhaler now [wheezes]
I'm out of shape, fattening up
I'm sipping Coke from a solo cup
Donut crumbs are upon my lips, whoa

[Chorus:]
The TV's on, I really hate this show
I can't reach my remote control
Welcome to my new place, to my new place
Sorry it's a cramped space, but it's my place
I'm really inactive, I'm so inactive
I'm really inactive, highly inactive

[Verse 2:]
My muscle's gone, I'm atrophied
Always lose my fight with gravity
I rest my bones, and just chillax
My nordictrack's collecting dust
And my stairmaster's a pile of rust
This is it, the inertia

[Chorus:]
I can't get up, this couch is part of me
I'm growing cobwebs on my knee
Pretty sad for my age, sad for my age
I could read my rib cage, here is my age
I'm really inactive, yes, quite inactive
I'm really inactive, not very active

[Bridge:]
Near comatose, no exercise
Don't tag my toe, I'm still alive

[Chorus:]
I'm giving up, my energy is shot.
I'm never moving from this spot
Never move from this place, move from this place
I'll stay here in this place, right in this place
I'm really inactive, just so inactive
I'm really inactive, not so attractive

 

[fox69]

"Isle Thing"

"Isle Thing"



Met this fine young thing
At the local Circle K
We made a date for a half past eight
And I said, "What the hey?"

So I journeyed to her crib
And I let myself inside
That chick was slouched down on the couch
I think her brain was fried

Couldn't figure it out
She wouldn't even look at me
Then I saw her eyes, she was hypnotised
Cold glued to her TV

"Hey, what's your problem baby doll
Let's have a little fling"
She said, "Hey you fool, now just be cool
I'm watchin' that Gilligan's Isle thing"

Isle thing
Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing

Watchin' all night
Musta, been a marathon
I was bummin', those shows kept comin'
Here's what was goin' on

These Castaways were stranded
On this island out at sea
One of them called Gilligan
So let's name him after m

He'd mess up every rescue
Man, that first mate was illin'
If I was one of those Castaways
I think I'd probably kill 'im

Just about that time
Telephone began to ring
She said, "Just let it, my machine'll get
We're watchin' the Gilligan's Isle thing

Isle thing
She loves that Gilligan's Isle thing
Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing
Please, baby, baby, please

I like the professor
He always saves their butts
He could build a nuclear reactor
From a clouple' of coconuts

She said, "That guy's a genius"
I shook my head and laughed
I said, "If he's so fly, they tell me why
He couldn't build a lousy raft"

And while we're on the subject
I'll tell you one thing for sure
Those homeboys brought an awful lot
For just a three hour tour

Then her mom came in the room
It was kind of embarrasing
She said, "Hey you two, I was once like you
And I loved that Gilligan's Isle thing"

Isle thing
She'd watch that Gilligan's Isle thing
Please, baby, baby, please

Skipper's in a hammock
He's looking kinda fat
He'd throw a fit and then he'd hit
Old Gilligan with his hat

Mrs. Hal had it goin' on
But Mr. Hal was meaner
Ginger and Mary Anne could've used
Some funky cold medina (?)

I was really diggin' this show
I didn't know what to do
It kinda looked like I was hooked
Now I'm an addict too

I know each episode by heart
Now I'm the rerun king
And on every date we both stay up late
And we watch the Gilligan's Isle thing

Isle thing
Hasta la vista, little buddy
Gilligan's Isle thing, isle thing, isle thing

 

[fox69]

"It's All About The Pentiums"

"It's All About The Pentiums"



It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah

What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him "Money" for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)

Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?

Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operation system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, "alt.total-loser"
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
What??

 

[fox69]

"It's Still Billy Joel To Me"

"It's Still Billy Joel To Me"



What's the matter with the songs he's singin'
Can't you tell that they're pretty lame
After listenin' to a couple albums
Well, they all start to sound the same

So he tried to change his musical style
He tossed all his ballads in the circular file
Then he found the punk sound
Breakin' ground all around
It's still Billy Joel to me

What's the matter with the tune he's writin'
Well, you know it's gonna be a smash
It's so nice when you're a big name artist
Doesn't matter if it sounds like trash

Now everybody thinks the new wave is super
Just ask Linda Ronstadt or even Alice Cooper
It's a big hit, isn't it
Even if it's a piece of junk
It's still Billy Joel to me

Woah, it doesn't matter what the critics say about him
'Cause he doesn't worry how they feel
When you're record's sellin' millions and it's goin' triple platinum
You don't worry 'bout your next meal
'Cause money is no big deal

Maybe he should dye his hair bright pink
And stick a safety pin through his cheeks
Then he'd really fit the new wave image
But he couldn't sit down for weeks

Don't you know about the record business, honey
You gotta be trendy if you wanna make some money
Now everybody's sayin' that he sure sounds funny
But it's still Billy Joel to me

All right, Alfred
Oh

I can hardly wait 'til his next album
Well, I'll bet it's gonna be the rage
Buy a ticket to his next big concert
Well, I wonder what he'll do on stage

It might be disco and it might be the blues
Or maybe even somethin' like the B-52's
Just a handclap, finger snap
Even if it's mindless pap
It's still Billy Joel to me

Everybody's sayin' that he sure sounds funny
But it's still Billy Joel to me

 

[fox69]

"Jackson Park Express"

"Jackson Park Express"


[Verse 1:]
Tuesday morning, 8: 15
I was riding to work on the
Jackson Park Express
Seemed like any other day
Then my whole world changed
In a way I never could have guessed
Cause she walked in
Took the seat right across the aisle
I knew we had a special connection
The second I saw her smile

She smiled as if to say
"Hello, Haven't seen you on this bus before"
I gave her a look that said
"Huh, Life is funny, you never know what's in store
By the way, your hair is beautiful
I bet it smells like raisins"

She looked at me in a way that asked
"Did you have a nose job or something?
I'm only asking, cause your nose looks slightly better
Than the rest of your face"
I arched my eyebrow, ever so slightly
Which was my way of asking
"Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer?
It still works, Kinda
And I got a bunch of ink cartridges left"

Then, she let out a long sigh
Which, I took to mean, "Uh"
"Mama, What is that deodorant you're wearing?
It's intoxicating
Why don't we drive out to the country sometime?
And collect deer ticks in a zip-lock baggie", Oh yeah

I gave her a penetrating stare
Which could only mean
"You are my answer, my answer to everything
Which is why, I'll probably do very poorly
On the written part of my driver's test"

[Chorus:]
Yes, It all happened
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express

[Verse 2:]
I knew she was starting to fall for me
Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant
"Baby, let's wear each other's clothes
And speak in a thick German accent
And, maybe someday we can own and operate
Our own mobile pet-grooming service"
I couldn't hold back my feelings
I gave her a look, that said
"I would make any sacrifice for your love
Goat, chicken, whatever
I could never hold you close enough
Let's have our bodies surgically grafted together
Oh, surgically grafted together"

She picked up her newspaper, and started reading to herself
Which I'm sure, was a way of telling me
"When you're cold, I will warm you
When you're shivering, I will hold you
When your nauseous, I will give you Pepto-Bismol every hour
For as long as the symptoms persist"
Oh, I, I never, ever want to see you cry
So, please let me cauterize your tear ducts with an arc welder
Then, I glanced down, at her shirt, for a second
In a way that clearly implied
"I like your boobs"

[Chorus]

[Verse 3:]
I cleared my throat quietly, and then, I looked away
And I'm sure it was obvious to her, just what I was trying to say
I was trying to say, "Hey
I'd like to make a wall-sized mural out of all the dead skin cells
That you slough off while you sleep at night"
Whoa-o-Oh, "I'd like to rip you wide open
And french-kiss every single one of your internal organs
Oh, I'd like to remove all your skin, and wear your skin, over my own skin
But not in a creepy way"

Then, I'm pretty sure, she looked at me, out of the corner of her good eye
And, though, she never spoke a word, this is exactly what I heard
She was saying, "Oh!
I wanna make out with you, in an abandoned toll-booth, in the middle of a monsoon
I wanna ride dolphins with you, in the moonlight
Until the staff at Sea World kicks us out
I want you inside me, oh, like a tapeworm"

I pointed to the side of my mouth, as a way of indicating
"Hey, I think you got something on the side of your mouth"
She licked the corner of her lips, as if to say
"Here? ", I nodded, implying, "Yeah, you got it"

And, then the bus stopped, at 53rd Street, and she got up suddenly
"Where are you going? ", pleaded my eyes, "Baby, don't you do this to me
Think of the beautiful children we could have someday
We could school them at home, Raise them up the right way
And protect them from the evils of the world
Like Trigonometry and Prime Numbers, oh no
Baby, please don't go"

She brushed my leg, as she left the bus
I'm sure that was her way of saying
"I'm sorry this just isn't working out
You're suffocating me
I need some space to find out what life's all about
So, goodbye forever, my love"

And deep inside, I knew she was right
It was time for us both to move on
And though, I never got her number, oh no no
She never bothered to leave her address, oh
But, as long as I live, I'll never forget
Those precious moments we shared together

[Outro:]
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express

 

[fox69]

"Jerry Springer"

"Jerry Springer"


It's been one week since we got to see
Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho
Three days since we heard the tale
About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male
Yesterday it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer

Holy cow, d'you see it last week?
Well, they had this one freak
Who sucker-punched his whole family
Do you recall when the brawl
Became a total free-for-all
And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the implants
She likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend of her mother
Now here come's Jerry's next guest
And it's a slugfest
'Cause it's her trailer trash brother
Nymphomaniac is back on crack
It's like "When Animals Attack"
They all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit 'em in the nose, tear off their clothes
Step on their toes, that's how it goes
They get so violent they have to sign a waiver

They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt, and pointin' blame
On the air? They don't care, they've got no shame
There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife had a sex change
They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly
They have a history of ripping off their shirts

It's been one week since they had the fight
With the Siamese twins and the transvestite
Five days since that awful brawl
They still haven't got the blood off the wall
It's been three days since the bitter fued
Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude
Yesterday, finally dawned on me
I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer

[Guy Guest :] Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister
[Gal Guest :] Oh? Well, which one?
[Guy Guest :] All of them
[Gal Guest :] Oh! Well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake!
[Guy Guest :] Yah? Well, well me too!
[Gal Guest :] Oh!
[Guy Guest :] And I've sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
(barking)
[Gal Guest :] Woofie, you b-tch!
[Gal Guest :] Well, I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat!
(baaahhing)
[Guy Guest :] That goat doesn't belong to you!

Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'
Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin'
Jerry's the king of confrontation
He's a sensation
He puts the 'sin' in syndication
It's totally worthless, like a bad check
It's like a train wreck
Don't wanna stare but you can't look away
Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows
But with more weirdos
The ratings jumpin' higher everyday
If you've seen the show, well then you know
It's just as low as you can go
The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene
And pretty soon some ugly goon
Comes in the room and then it's BOOM
In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen

Well it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies
"Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should I turn off my TV? I just can't
I have a tendency to watch it religiously
I have a history of taping each one

It's been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems they should work out
Five days since the big surprise
When some loser's wife said she's shtill dating twenty guys
Three days wince he interviewed
A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude
Yesterday, it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer
I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer
Come over here and pull on my finger

 

[fox69]

"Jurassic Park"

"Jurassic Park"



I recall the time they found those fossilized mosquitoes
And before long, they were cloning DNA
Now I'm being chased by some irate veloceraptors
Well, believe me... this has been one lousy day

Jurassic Park is frightning in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone shut the fence off in the rain
I admit it's kinda eerie
But this proves my chaos theory
And I don't think I'll be coming back again
On no

I cannot approve of this attraction
'Cause getting disemboweled always makes me kinda mad
A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawer
Well, I suppose that proves... they're really not all bad

Jurassic Park is frightning in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
Someone let T. Rex out of his pen
I'm afraid those things'll harm me
'Cause they sure don't act like Barney
And they think that I'm their dinner, not their friend
Oh no

Jurassic Park is frightning in the dark
All the dinosaurs are running wild
What a crummy weekend this has been
Well, this sure ain't no E-ticket
Think I'll tell them where to stick it
'Cause I'm never coming back this way again
Oh no... oh no

 

[fox69]

"Kidstar 1250 Radio Promotion"

"Kidstar 1250 Radio Promotion"


[telephone dialing]

Just eat it, eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Oh, eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

Hi
This is Al
But you can call me "Weird", as is "Weird Al"
"Weird Al" Yankovic

I'm not home right now
So feel free to come over and go through my refrigerator
Well, I guess you gotta find my house first

Anyway, like I was saying, I'm not home right now
So stay on the line until I return

OK, well, that might be a while, so I tell you what
I'll patch you through to my favorite radio station, how's that
It'll keep you totally entertained
It's Kidstar 1250, radio just for kids, and it goes something like this

[beep]