Weird Al Yankovic

[fox69]

"I Lost On Jeopardy"

"I Lost On Jeopardy"


I was there to match my intellect on national TV
Against a plumber, oh and an architect, both with a PhD
I was tense, I was nervous, I guess it just wasn't my night
Art Flemming gave the answers
Oh, but I couldn't get the questions right-ight-ight

I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh

Well, I knew I was in trouble now
My hope of winning sank
Oh, 'cause I got the Daily Double
And then my mind went blank
I took Potpourri for one hundred
And then my head started to spin
Well, I'm given up Don Pardo
Just tell me now what I didn't win, yeah, yeah

I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh

[Spoken]
That's right Al -- you lost.
And let me tell you what you didn't win: a twenty set volume of the Encyclopedia International,
a case of Turtle Wax, and a years supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Fransisco treat.
But that's not all, you also made yourself look like a jerk in front of millions of people.
You brought shame and disgrace to your family name for generations to come.
You don't get to come back tomorrow.
You don't even get a lousy copy of our home game.
You're a complete loser!

Don't know what I was thinkin' of
I guess I just wasn't to bright
Well, I sure hope I do better
Next weekend on the Price Is Right-ight-ight

I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh
I lost on Jeopardy, baby, ooh
I lost on Jeopardy, baby

 

[fox69]

"I Love Rocky Road"

"I Love Rocky Road"



I hear those ice cream bells and I start to drool
Keep a couple quarts in my locker at school
Yeah, but chocolate's gettin' old
Vanilla just leaves me cold

There's just one flavor good enough for me, yeah me
Don't gimme no crummy taste spoon
I know what I need

Baby, I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me, ow

They tell me ice cream junkies are all the same
All the soda jerkers know my name
When their supply is gone
Then I'll be movin' on

But I'll be back on Monday afternoon, you'll see
Another truck load's comin' in for me, all for me
I'm singin'

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me, ow

(oh, make it talk)

When I'm all alone, I just grab myself a cone
And if I get fat and loose my teeth that's fine with me
Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key
Singing

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with

I love rocky road
So weren't you gonna buy half a gallon, baby
I love rocky road
So have another triple scoop with me

 

[fox69]

"I Remember Larry"

"I Remember Larry"



Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door
Well, he always was the neighborhood clown
Like the time he took my pants off and he took those color pictures
And posted copies all over town
Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn
Or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight 'till dawn
What a crazy kid Larry was, always foolin' around

Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

Say, do you remember when I lost all my hair
'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo
And hey, how 'bout the day he put Ben Gay inside my jockstrap
And filled my toothpaste tube with glue
All those wedgies he gave, all those shoestrings he tied
All those brownies he made with the Ex-lax inside
Oh Lar', I swear, it was a laugh a minute with you

Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

You know I couldn't help but laugh
Even though he treated me like slime
Remember when he cut my car in half?
Well, he really got me good that time!

Say, do you remember when I broke in Larry's house
Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag
Then I dragged him by his ankles to the middle of the forest
And stuffed him in a big plastic bag
If the cops ever find him, who knows what they'd say
But I'm sure if ol' Lar' were still with us today
He would have to agree with me it was a pretty good gag

Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
No matter how I try

Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry
Oh, I remember Larry

 

[fox69]

"I Think I'm A Clone Now"

"I Think I'm A Clone Now"



Isn't it strange
Feels like I'm lookin' in the mirror
What would people say
If only they knew that I was

Part of some geneticist's plan (plan-plan-plan)
Born to be a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
There in a petri dish late one night
They took a donor's body cell and fertilized a human egg and so I say

I think I'm a clone now
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

Look at the way
We go out walking close together
I guess you could say
I'm really beside myself

I still remember how it began (gan-gan-gan)
They produced a carbon copy man (man-man-man)
Born in a science lab late one night
Without a mother or a father, just a test tube and a womb with a view

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
And I can stay at home while I'm out of town
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down

Signing autographs for my fans
Come and meet the carbon copy man
Livin' in stereo, it's all right
Well I can be my own best friend and I can send myself for pizza so I say

I think I'm a clone now
Another one of me's always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
I've been on Oprah Winfrey - I'm world renowned
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
That's my genetic twin always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)

 

[fox69]

"I Want A New Duck"

"I Want A New Duck"


Woh oh

I want a new duck
One that won't try to bite
One that won't chew a hole in my socks
One that won't quack all night

I want a new duck
One with big webbed feet
One that knows how to wash my car
And keep his room real neat

One that won't raid the ice box
One that'll stay in shape
One that's never gonna try to migrate or escape
Or I'll tie him up with duck tape

I want a new duck
A mallard I think
One that won't make a mess of my house
Or build a nest in the bathroom sink

I want a new duck
One that won't steal my beer
One that won't stick his bill in my mail
One that knows the duck stops here

One that won't drive me crazy waddling all around
One who'll teach me how to swim and help me not to drown
And show me how to get down
How to get down baby

Get it?
*****
*****
*** ****
****
*** ***

I want a new duck
Not a swan or a goose
Just a drake I can dress real cute
Think I'm gonna name him Bruce

I want a new duck
Not a quail or an owl
One that won't molt to much
One that won't smell too fowl

One that won't beg for breadcrumbs
Hangin' around all day
He'd better mind his manners
Better do just what I say
Or he's gonna be duck patte, duck patte, yah, yah
*

*****
***** (*** ** **)
****
*******
[lots of quacking sounds]

 

[fox69]

"I Was Only Kidding"

"I Was Only Kidding"



When I said that I'd be faithful
When I promised I'd be true
When I swore that I could never
Be with anyone but you
When I told you that I loved you
With those tender words I spoke
I was only kidding
Now, can't you take a joke?

When I said that I need you, baby
When I told you that I really care
When I said that I can't live without you
When I said I'd follow you anywhere
When I said you could always trust me
When I said I'd never leave you flat
Well, guess what? I was only kidding, baby
I can't belieeeeve you fell for that! You're so gullible...

(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) You thought that was for real?
I was only kidding
Now I'm sorry if you misunderstood, but the fact remains
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Baby, baby, I was...
(I was) only kidding
Well, I guess I got you pretty good, now listen...

When I said that I love you, baby
From the very bottom of my heart
When I said that I miss you so badly
Every second we're apart
When I swore that you're just getting more and more
Beautiful every day
Well, I was only kidding, honey
What's the matter with you anyway? Let me tell you something

(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) You understand, don't ya?
I was only kidding
Well, I guess it probably hurts you alot, but you gotta know
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Come on now, get a clue
I was only kidding
I really love you... NOT!

When I said you oughta marry
When I said that we should settle down
Well, I was pullin' your leg there, honey
I was just foolin' around
You see, I -- I never meant to upset you, darlin'
I never meant to hurt anyone
I was only kidding, baby
Why don't you just put down that gun?
Let's talk this over

(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Whatch where you're pointing that thing
(I was only kidding)
Hey, I'm sorry if your heart is broke... you gotta realize
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) Aww, yeah
I was only kidding
Now, honey, can't you take a joke?
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I was only kidding
(I was only kidding) I didn't lie to you
I was only kidding... Yes indeed
(I was only kidding) Baby, baby, you know
(I was only kidding) Hey!

 

[fox69]

"I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead"

"I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead"



I don't care about your karma
I don't care about what's hip
No space cadet's gonna tell me what to do

I won't swim in your jacuzzi
You can't make me settle down
I'd rather kick and jump and bite and scratch
And scream until I'm blue

I may as well be hyper as long as I'm still around
'Cause I'll have lots of time to be laid back
When I'm six feet underground

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

When are you cosmic cowboys
Gonna get it through your heads?

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I can't stand the smell of incense
I don't really like to jog
No Joni Mitchell 8-tracks in my car, ooh

I hate anything organic
Even health food makes me sick
You won't catch me sipping Perrier
Down in some sushi bar, I tell you

Now's the time to go for all the gusto you can grab
You'll have plenty of time to be low-key
When you're laid out on the slab

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

When are you cosmic cowboys
Gonna get it through your heads?

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I don't want no part of that vegetarian scene
I won't buy me a pair of designer jeans
No redwood hot tub to my name
I got all that I want and if it's all the same to you

I don't need a course in self-awareness
To find out who I am
And I'd rather have a, a Big Mac or a Jumbo Jack
Than all the bean sprouts in Japan

So don't ask me what I'm into
I don't need to prove I'm cool
I'll break your arm if you ask me what's my sign

I won't tell you where my head's at
I don't need to see no shrink
Psychosis may be in this year
But I'm really not that kind

And I'm in no hurry to be casual
In fact, I think, I'll wait
Until I'm pushing up the daisies
Like wow, man, can you relate?

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead
I'll be mellow when I'm dead

 

[fox69]

"I'll Repair For You ( A Theme For Home Improvement )"

"I'll Repair For You ( A Theme For Home Improvement )"



So you got dry rot and your water pressure's weak
Your trash compactor's broke, the roof has sprung a leak
You just found out your toilet's overflowed
And your smoke detector's smoking and your heater's gonna explode
But

I'll repair for you (when the roof starts to fall)
I'll repair for you (all the cracks in your wall)
I'll repair for you (every nail, bolt and screw)

Your washer's busted and your faucet drips all night
You got some termites with a healthy appetite
Well have no fear, I'll patch up every hole
And I'm licensed and I'm bonded, even se habla espanol
So

I'll repair for you (when your doorknob is loose)
I'll repair for you (when your plunger's no use)
I'll repair for you (with a caulk and hot glue)

I am prepared to tackle all kinds of paste and spackle
You got a leaky shower, I'll be there in an hour
With stucco, bricks and plaster, I am a Jedi master
We'll help you through your crisis
Check out our low, low prices too, yeah

Your floors are sagging and your plumbing's shot
But if you don't mind my hairy butt crack every time that I squat

I'll repair for you, anything that you need
I'll repair for you, and my word's guaranteed
I'll repair for you, I'll rewire it too
I'll repair for you
I'll repair for you
I'll repair for you, every nail, bolt and screw

 

[fox69]

"I'll Sue Ya"

"I'll Sue Ya"



I sued Taco Bell
'Cause I ate half a million Chalupas
And I got fat!

I sued Panasonic
They never said I shouldn't use their microwave
To dry off my cat

Huh, I sued Earthlink
'Cause I called them up
N' they had the nerve to put me on hold

I sued Starbucks
'Cause I spilled a Frappucino in my lap
And brrr, it was cold!

I sued Toys'R'Us
'Cause I swallowed a Nerf ball
And nearly choked to death

Ugh, I sued PetCo
'Cause I ate a bag of kitty litter
And now I got bad breath!

I sued Coca-Cola, yo
'Cause I put my finger down in a bottle
And it got stuck!

I sued Delta Airlines
'Cause they sold me a ticket to New Jersey
I went there, and it sucked!

Yeah!!!

If you stand me up on a date
If you deliver my pizza 30 seconds late

I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah that's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah I might even sue you!

Ugh!!

I sued Duracell
They never told me not to shove that double-A
Right up my nose

I sued Home Depot
'Cause they sold me a hammer
Which they knew I might drop on my toes

I sued Dell Computers
'Cause I took a bath with my laptop
Now it doesn't work

I sued Fruit of the Loom
'Cause when I wear their tightie-whities on my head
I look like a jerk

I sued Verizon
'Cause I get all depressed
Any time my cell phone is roaming

I sued Colorado
'Cause you know, I think it looks a little bit too much
Like Wyoming

I sued Neiman Marcus
'Cause they put up their Christmas decorations
Way out of season

I sued Ben Affleck
...
Aw, do I even need a reason?

Ugh!

If I sprain my ankle
While I'm robbing your place

If I hurt my knuckles
When I punch you in the face

I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, yeah that's what I'm gonna do
I'm gonna sue, sue
Yes, I'm gonna sue
Sue, sue, that's right I'm gonna sue you

Ugh!
Ugh!
Ugh!

I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny

I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny

I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny

I'll sue ya!
I'll take all of your money
I'll sue ya!
If you even look at me funny

I'll sue ya!
Ha-ha ha ha-haa
I'll sue ya!
What'chall think of that?

I'll sue ya!
Ha-ha ha ha-haa
Boo ya!
I'll sue ya!

Ugh!

 

[fox69]

"I'm So Sick Of You"

"I'm So Sick Of You"



You tell a joke and forget the punchline
Why you always wastin' my time?
Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me
You hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty
I don't know too many females
Who make a habit of biting their toenails
Wo, every time you call, you drive me up the wall
Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl
I'm sure we'd be happy together
If onle one thing weren't true
Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

You drink the milk right from the carton
What are you, in kindergarten?
You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air
Then you use my razor to shave your back hair
You don't have an ounce of class
You're just one big pain in the neck
How much more can I take now, give me a break now
You even snore when you're wide awake now
You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple
Well, maybe you should get a clue
'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Baby, you're so nauseatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

And when you softly call my name
It's like listenin' to that squeaky chalk sound
And when you look at me that special way
It's hard for me to keep my lunch down
And when you askin' me what I'm thinkin', honey, usually I'm thinkin'
How I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape
So I wouldn't have to listen to you asking me those stupid questions
Over and over again

Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh
Gives me a throbbing migraine
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
Until you cam along I nbever dated anyone
This low on the food chain
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
You've got inhuman body odor
You've got the hair of a boxing promoter
Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jell-O
You woke up in a puddle, droolin' on your pillow
I hate the way you crack your knuckles
I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too
But mostly I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Really now, you're aggrivatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Not to mention irritatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Well, now won't you give my best regards to Satan
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you

I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
You make me sick

(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) I'm so sick of you, now