Uh huh ... extra cheese Uh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me
Pizza party at your house I went just to check it out Nineteen extra larges What a shame No one came
Just us eatin' all alone You said, "Take the pizza home" "No sense lettin' all this go to waste" So then I faced
Pizza all day And every day This cheese 'round the clock Is gettin' me blocked And I sure don't care For irregularity
Tell me Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? 'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated In the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strain And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated? No no no
I was feelin' pretty down 'Till my girlfriend came around We're just so alike in every way I gotta say
In fact, I just thought I might Pop the question there that night I was kissing her so tenderly But woe is me
Who would have guessed Her family crest I'd suddely spy Tattooed on her thigh And son-of-a-gun It's just like the one on me
Tell me How was I supposed to know we were both related? Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated? No no no no no no no No no no no no no no No no no no no
I had so much on my mind I thought maybe I'd unwind Try out that new roller coaster ride And the guide
Said not to stand But that's a demand That I couldn't meet I got on my feet And stood up instead And knocked off my head, you see
Tell me Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated? This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it Such a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore I can't belch or yodel anymore Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated
Oh no Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah) I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated What a bummer Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeeze But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated No no no
You can torture me With Donnie & Marie You can play some Barry Manilow Or you can play some schlock Like New Kids On The Block Or any Village People song you know Or play Vanilla Ice Hey, you can play him twice And you can play the Bee Gees any day But Mr. DJ, please I'm beggin' on my knees I just can't take no more of Billy Ray
Don't play that song That "Achy Breaky" song The most annoying song I know And if you play that song That "Achy Breaky" song I might blow up my radio, ooo...
You can clear the room By playind Debbie Boon Or crank your Abba records until dawn Oh, I can even hear Slim Whitman or Zamfir Don't mind a Yoko Ono marathon Or play some Tiffany On 8-track or CD Or scrape your fingernails across the board Or tie me to a chair And kick me down the stairs Just please don't play that stupid song no more
Don't play that song That "Achy Breaky" song You know I hate that song a bunch And if you play that song That nauseating song It might just make me lose my lunch, ooo...
Don't play that song That "Achy Breaky" song I think it's driving me insane Oh, please don't play that song That irritating song I'd rather have a pitchfork in my brain...
Don't play that song That "Achy Breaky" song The most annoying song I know And if you play that song That "Achy Breaky" song I might blow up my radio, ooo-woo...
Potato skins, potato cakes Hash browns, and instant flakes Baked or boiled or french fried There's no kind you haven't tried
You planned a trip to Idaho Just to watch potatoes grow I understand how you must feel I can't deny they've got appeal
Whoah You like them whether they are plain or they're stuffed, oh yeah Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough You know, you're gonna have to face it You're addicted to spuds
Your greasy hands, your salty lips Looks like you found the chips Your belly aches, your teeth grind Some tator tots would blow your mind
And you don't mind if they're not cooked You need your fix, I guess you're hooked And late at night you always dream Of bacon bits and sour cream
Whoah, you like them even if they're lumpy or tough, oh yeah Whee, It's pretty obvoius to me you can't get enough You know you're gonna have to face it You're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
I'm givin' up, it'sjust no use Another case of spud abuse What can I say, what can I do Potato bug has got me too, Wahoo
I used to hate them, now they're all that I eat, oh yeah Whee, I've often seen then whipped, but they just can't be beat Now I'm gonna have to face it I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds Might as well face it, I'm addicted to spuds
Met this pretty young stewardess on a non-stop flight She showed me to my seat and it was love at first sight Now lately I've been flying to all kinds of places That I never really wanted to go 'Cause I'll do anything just to spend a little time With the sutest flight attendant I know
You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy Found a little piece of heaven on a 747 And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Every one of our dates is at thirty thousand feet She always points out the exits to me, she's so sweet You know she gets me my headphones for free Refills my coffee cup whenevr I ask And you gotta admit my baby looks pretty hot When she's wearin' that oxygen mask
Well well, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy Found a little piece of heaven on a 747 And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Amy, darlin', don't you know you really drive me nuts Every time you're handing out those honey roasted peanuts Airline Amy, this is my new mission Gotta get you in an upright locked position
Oh yeah, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flyer, Airline Amy Found a little piece of heaven on a 747 And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy Yeah yeah, you set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy You're the only woman I desire, Airline Amy Found a little piece of heaven on a 747 And no one else can take me higher No one else can take me higher And no one else can take me higher than Airline Amy
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop You know the place well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut Every single morning It was driving me crazy
I said to my mom I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old
That's when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
Oh yeah You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ah
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be? I say "Who is it?" No answer "Who is it?" There's no answer "WHO IS IT?" They're not sayin' anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when I'm right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that" "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me" And he's like "Tough" And I'm like "Give it" And he's like "Make me" And I'm like "'Kay" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said
It said "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
In Albuquerque Albuquerque
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?" I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts" I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts" I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts" I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls" I said "You got any apple fritters?" He said "No, we're outta apple fritters" I said "You got any bear claws?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check" "No, we're outta bear claws" I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?" He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels" I said "OK, I'll take that"
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over (rabid gnawing sounds) Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearin' me apart You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head" I believe it went a little something like this . . .
Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God Ah, (more screaming)
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' Like a constipated weiner dog And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches I'll never forget the first thing she said to me. She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"
That's when I knew it was true love We were inseparable after that Aw, we ate together, we bathed together We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a house And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said "Woah, hold on now, baby" "I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment" So we broke up and I never saw her again But that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque Albuquerque
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I was gettin' a lot of attitude
OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic" Well, that's just great How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days Well, I knew what he meant But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming (screaming sounds) You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I hate sauerkraut
That's all I'm really tryin' to say And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up And find yourself in an existential quandary Full of loathing and self-doubt And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours There's still a little place called
Here she comes now, wants her alimony Bleedin' me dry as a bony bony Workin' three jobs just to stay in debt now Well, first she took my nest egg then she took the nest I said yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
(Yeah) 'Cause she took my house (alimony), my car (alimony) My shoes (alimony) and my toothbrush too (alimony) Too bad (alimony), so sad (alimony) Ah-she got (alimony), got the gift of grab (alimony) I'm in debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt), debt (debt)
Lawyer's callin' me on the telephony Tryin' to squeeze some blood from a stonee-stony Ooh, I took her for better or for worse, yeah Then she took me for everything, yeah everything She could get (get), get (get), get (get), get (get), get (get)
(Get) Well I'm out of cash (alimony), no dough (alimony) I'm broke (alimony), it's no joke (alimony) The check's in the mail (alimony), get off (alimony) My back (alimony), cut me some slack (alimony) I said yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)
(Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Oh you do (Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Is it due (Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony) Or you'll sue (Ooh, I want my alimo-mo-mony)
As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain But that's just perfect for an Amish like me You know, I shun fancy things like electricity At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... fool And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699
We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise I've churned butter once or twice Living in an Amish paradise It's hard work and sacrifice Living in an Amish paradise We sell quilts at discount price Living in an Amish paradise
A local boy kicked me in the butt last week I just smiled at him and turned the other cheek I really don't care, in fact I wish him well 'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat And my homies agree, I really look good in black...fool If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare We're just technologically impaired
There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar Not a single luxury Like Robinson Crusoe It's as primitive as can be
We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise We're just plain and simple guys Living in an Amish paradise There's no time for sin and vice Living in an Amish paradise We don't fight, we all play nice Living in an Amish paradise
Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart? Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife So don't be vain and don't be whiny Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie
We been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise We're all crazy Mennonites Living in an Amish paradise There's no cops or traffic lights Living in an Amish paradise But you'd probably think it bites Living in an Amish paradise
Cut my life into pieces This is my last resort Suffocation, no breathing Don't give a %[email protected]& if I cut my arm bleeding This is my last resort
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's all right, nothing is fine I'm running and a-crying
Wake up (Wake up) Grab a brush and put a little make-up Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup (Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup) Why'd you leave the keys upon the table? Here you go create another fable
You wanted to Grab a brush and put a little makeup You wanted to Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to Why'd you leave the keys upon the table? You wanted to
I don't think you trust In my self-righteous suicide I cry when angels deserve to die, die, die D-d-die die die die die Hey
I'm gonna get free I'm gonna get free I'm gonna get free Ride into the sun
She never loved me She never loved me She never loved me Why should anyone?
(Come here, come here, come here) I'll take your photo for ya (Come here, come here, come here) Drive you around the corner
(Come here, come here, come here) You know you really oughta (Come here, come here, come here) Move out to California
Do what I want 'cause I can If I don't because I wanna Be ignored by the stiff and the bored Because I'm gonna
Hate to say I told you so, all right Do believe I told you so Now it's all out and you knew 'Cause I wanted to
Fell in love with a girl I fell in love at once and almost completely She's in love with the world But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
Can't think of anything to do Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeting She's just looking for something new Yeah, I said it once before but it bears repeating, now
Last night, she said "Oh baby, don't you feel so down When you turn me off When I feel left out"
So I (what'd you do?) Well, I turned around (right around) "Oh, baby, gonna be alright" It was a great big lie (big old lie)
'Cause I left that night Yeah
Ooh ah ah ah ah Ooh ah ah ah ah
Get up Come on get down with the sickness Get up Come on get down with the sickness
Get up Come on get down with the sickness Open up your hate and let it flow into me
Get up Come on get down with the sickness You mother get up Come on get down with the sickness
Get up Come on get down with the sickness Madness is the gift that has been given to me
We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk We're the renegades of funk
This time I'm 'a let it all come out This time I'm 'a stand up and shout I'm a do things my way It's my way My way or the highway
This time I'm a let it all come out This time I'm a stand up and shout I'm a do things my way It's my way [honk] [honk] Or the highway
But I'm on the outside I'm looking in I can see through you See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly Ugly like me I can see through you See to the real you
Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie
We are, we are The youth of the nation We are, we are The youth of the nation
We are, we are The youth of the nation We are the youth of the nation Hey
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up Please stand up Please stand up
I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady please Please, please stand up
Slim Shady won't you please stand up? (Stand up Shady)(Stand up) (Stand up Shady)(Stand up) (Stand up Shady) Shady, won't you please stand up? Hey