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Weird Al Yankovic

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"The Ballad Of Kent Marlow"

"The Ballad Of Kent Marlow"



You did a really rotten thing
And let Scout take all the blame
You wrecked his reputation
And left that poor boy in shame
Yeah, but now I think it's time
To show who really did the crime
Kent Marlow, you're a dirty, lyin', worthless hunk of slime

Kent Marlow, you're a dirty, cheatin'
Lyin', no good, lousy, stinkin'
Back stabbin', scum suckin', worthless hunk of slime
 
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"The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota"

"The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota"



Well, I had two weeks of vacation time coming
After working all year down at Big Roy's Eating And Plumbing
So one night when my family the I were gathered 'round the dinner table
I said, "Kids, if you could go anywhere in this great big world, now
Where'd you like to go ta"
They said, "Dad, we wanna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota"
They picked the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

So the very next day we loaded up the car
With potato skins and pickled weiners,
Crossword puzzles, Spider-Man comics, and mama's home made rhubarb pie
Pulled out of the driveway and the neighbors, they all waved good-bye
And so began our three day journey

We picked up a guy holding a sign that said "twine ball or bust"
He smelled real bad and he said his name was Bernie
I put in a Slim Whitman tape, my wife put on a brand new hair net
Kids were in the back seat jumping up and down,
yelling "Are we there yet?"
And all of us were joined together in one common thought
As we rolled down the long and winding interstate in our '53 DeSoto
We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We're headin' for the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Oh, we couldn't wait to get there
So we drove straight through for three whole days and nights
Of course, we stopped for more pickled weiners now and then
The scenery was just so pretty, boy I wish the kids could've seen it
But you can't see out of the side of the car
Because the windows are completely covered
With the decals of all the place where we've already been

There's Elvis-O-Rama, the Tupperware Museum,
The Boll Weevil Monument, and Cranberry World,
The Shuffleboard Hall Of Fame, Poodle Dog Rock,
And The Mecca of Albino Squirrels
We've been to ghost towns, theme parks, wax museums,
And a place where you can drive through the middle of a tree
We've seen alligator farms and tarantula ranches,
But there's still one thing we gotta see

Well, we crossed the state line about 6:39
And we saw a sign that said "Twine Ball exit - 50 miles"
Oh, the kids were so happy the started singing
"99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall" for the 27th time that day
So, we pulled off the road at the last chance gas station
Got a few more pickled weiners and a diet chocolate soda
On our way to see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
We're gonna see the biggest ball of tiwne in Minnesota

Finally, at 7:37 early Wednesday evening as the sun was setting
in the Minnesota sky
Out in the distance, on the horizon, it appeared to me like a vision
before my unbelieving eye
I parked the car and walked with awe-filled reverence towards that
glorius huge majestic sphere
I was just so overwhelmed by its sheer imensity,
I had to pop myself a beer
Yes, on these hallowed grounds, open ten to eight on weekdays,
in a little shrine under a make-shift pagoda,
There sits the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I tell you, it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Oh, what on earth would make a man decide to do that kind of thing?
Oh, windin' up twenty-one thousand, one hundred forty pounds of string
What was he trying to prove, who was he trying to impress
Why did he build it, how did he do, it was anybody's guess
Where did he get the twine, what was goin' through his mind
Did it just seem like a good idea at the time

Well, we walked up beside it and I warned the kids
"Now, you better not touch it, those ropes are there for a reason"
I said, "Maybe if you're good, I'll tie it to the back of our car
and we can take it home", but I was only teasin'
Then we went to the gift shop and stood in line
Bought a souvineer miniature ball of twine, some window decals,
and anything else they'd sell us
And we bought a couple post cards, "Greetings from the twine ball,
wish you were here"
Won't the folks back home be jealous

I gave our camera to Bernie and we stood by the ball and we all gathered
'round and said, "Cheese"
The Bernie ran away with my brand new Insti-Matic,
but at least we got our memories
Then we all just stared at the ball for a while and my eyes got moist,
but I said with a smile, "Kids, this here's what America's all about"
Then I started feelin' kinda gooey inside and I fell on my knees
and I cried and cried
And that's when those security guards threw us out
You know, I bet if we unravelled that sucker,
It'd roll all the way down to Fargo, North Dakota
'Cause it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I'm talkin' 'bout the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Well, we stayed that night at the Twine Ball Inn
In the morning we were on our way home again
But we really didn't want to leave, that was perfectly clear
I said, "Folks, I can tell you're all sad to go"
Then I winked my eye and I said, "You know, I got a funny kind of feelin'
we'll be comin' back again next year"
'Cause I've been all around this great big world
And I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather go to
Than the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
I said the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
Minnesota
Minnesota
Minnesota
 
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"The Brady Bunch"

"The Brady Bunch"



You can watch Mr. Rogers
You can watch Three's Company
And you can turn on Fame or The Newlywed Game
Or The Addams Family

I say, you can watch Barney Miller
And you can watch your MTV
And you can watch till your eyes fall out of your head
That'll be okay with me

And you can watch (TV)

You can watch Johnny Carson
You can watch Phil Donahue
And you can use TV Guide to help you decide
With a capsulized review

Say, you can watch 60 Minutes
Even Captain Kangaroo
But there's only one set, so whatever you watch
Well, you know I gotta watch it, too

Say, give it up, give it up, television's taking its toll
That's enough, that's enough, gimme the remote control
I've been nice, I've been good, please don't do this to me
Turn it off, turn it off, I don't want to have to see

The Brady Bunch
Not The Brady Bunch
Well, The Brady Bunch
Yeah, The Brady Bunch

It's the story of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold like their mother
The youngest one in curls

It's a story of a man named Brady
Who was busy with three boys of his own
They were four men living all together
Yeah, but they were all alone

Until the one day, one day when the lady met the fellow
And they knew, and they knew it was much more than a hunch
That the group, this group must somehow form a family
That's the way, that's the way, that's the way they all became

The Brady Bunch
Well, The Brady Bunch
Yeah, The Brady Bunch
Well, The Brady Bunch
Oh, it's The Brady Bunch
It's The Brady Bunch
Oh, The Brady Bunch, yeah
Oh, The Brady Bunch
It's The Brady Bunch
Well, it's The Brady Bunch
Well, it's The Brady Bunch
Well, it's The Brady Bunch
It's The Brady Bunch
 
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"The Check's In The Mail"

"The Check's In The Mail"



Well, hey how ya doin' have a seat, have a drink
Boy it's good to see you, what can I say?
Oh, sorry gotta run we'll get together again
Say, what was your name anyway?

Well we're working on the problem, we'll get back to you soon
But don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon
For a year maybe longer keep in touch
Thanks for dropping by and have a nice day

The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
My girl will call your girl we'll talk, we'll do lunch
Or leave a message on my machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?

Well hey wait a minute what's the matter hold on
You want me to fork over the loot?
You say you hate my guts you wanna take me to court
And you got yourself a lawyer with a three-piece suit?

Well I'm proud to say you're not the only critic of mine, yeah
So if you wanna sue me I'm afraid you're gonna have to wait in line
Take a number thanks for calling who loves you baby
Don't forget to read the fine print

The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
My girl will call your girl we'll talk, we'll do lunch
Or leave a message on my machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
Oh, trust me!

The check's in the mail, hey! You're beautiful
Don't ever change you know what I mean
Why don't you leave a message with my girl
I'll have lunch with your machine
So baby won't you sign on the dotted line
I'm gonna make your dreams come true
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
 
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"The Hot Rocks Polka"

"The Hot Rocks Polka"



If I could stick my hand in my heart
Spill it all over the stage
Would it satisfy you
Would it slide on by you
Would you think the boy is strange
Ain't it stra-a-ange

If I could win
If I could sing
A love song so divine
Would it be enough for your cheating heart
If I broke down and cried
If I cri-i-ied
I said, "Ah no, It's only rock 'n' roll
But I like it
Ah no, it's only rock 'n' roll
But I like it, like it
Yes I do
I really really really really do do-do do do"
Hey

Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doin' all right
Hear they whip the women just around midnight

Brown sugar
How come you taste so good
Brown sugar
Just like a young girl should

I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would make her connection
By her feet was a footloose man

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes
You might find
You get what you need

You need honkey tonk women
Gimme gimme gimme the honkey tonk blues

Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around
It's down to me
Yes it is
The way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me
The change has come
She's under my thumb

So, goodbye ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you
When you change with every new day
Still, I'm gonna miss you

Who who who who who-who who who who who who-who who who who-who
Who who who who who-who who who who who who-who who who who-who

Please allow me to introdue myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste (woo woo)
I've been around for a long long year
So many a man sold a faith (woo woo)
Pleased to meet you (woo woo)
Hope you guessed (woo woo) my name (woo woo woo woo)
'Cause what's bothering you (woo woo)
Is the nature (woo woo) of my game (woo woo woo woo)

I said, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!
Don't hang around because two's a crowd

Shay-do-bay(?), shatter, shay-do-bay(?), shatter

Laughter, joy, and lonliness
And sex and sex and sex and sex
Look at me
I'm in tatters
Shay-do-bay(?), I'm shattered
Shay-do-bay(?), shatter

This doesn't happen to me every day, oh my
Let's spend the night together
No excuses offered anyway, oh my
Let's spend the night together
I'll satisfy your every need (every need)
And I know you'll satisfy me
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-my
Let's spend the night together
Now I need you more than ever
Let's spend the night together now
Ma-ma-ma-ma ma-ma-ma ma ma my

I can't get no
Satisfaction
I can't get no
Girlie action
'Cause I try (and I try) and I try (and I try)
And I try (and I try) and I try (and I try)
I can't get no
I can't get no
I can't get no
Satisfaction
Satisfaction
Satisfaction
Satisfaction
 
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"The Night Santa Went Crazy"

"The Night Santa Went Crazy"




Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin' time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Clause, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain
 
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"The Night Santa Went Crazy (Extra Gory)"

"The Night Santa Went Crazy (Extra Gory)"



Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes Virginia, Now Santa is dead Some guy
From the swat team blew a hole through his head
Yes little friend now, thats his brains on the floor,
I guess they wont have the fat guy kicking around anymore
But now there's no more presents for children's enjoyment
And the Elves have to wait in the line and file for unemployment
And they say Mrs. Clause, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was sick of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain
 
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"The Plumbing Song"

"The Plumbing Song"


([Announcer:] "Who fixes plumbing problems in a flash?
Twenty four hours a day? Seven days a week?")

Baby, I sure wish I could lend you a hand
But plumbing's one thing I don't understand
It's true (Haven't got a clue)
B-b-b-baby, I can tell you've got a big problem
When I flush the john, then your shower goes on
(Baby) Now watcha gonna do?
If Drano's a joke and your plunger is broke
Baby, call the mensch with a monkey wrench
(Baby) He'll be there for you

Shower's backing up (up, up)?
Water won't go down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Don't forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Sink's been stopped up all summer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call the plumber
He'll know what to do

Pipes been blowing up
Pipes been breaking down
And the carpet's soaked... right through
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, kitchen's flooded, too
Ba-ba ba ba ba, ba-ba ba ba ba ba
Ba-ba ba ba ba, girl, you know it's true

B-b-b-betcha this guy makes more than my lawer
If he works for one day, costs you half a year's pay
(Baby) He can be here by 2:00
So if you've got cash, he'll be there in a flash
Makin' service calls in his overalls
(Baby) He'll do his best for you

Sewer's backing up (up, up)?
Got you feelin' down (down, down)?
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Don't forget my plumber
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Leaky pipes are a bummer
Ba ba-ba-ba, ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Time to call the plumber
Maybe call a few

Got a problem with plumbing?
Gotta blame it on something
Blame it on the drain it was cloggin', cloggin'
Blame it on the faucet that drips all night
If hairballs, grease and goo
Won't let the water through
Blame it on the drain, yeah, yeah

When I flush the john, now when I flush the john
It turns your shower on
(Roto-Rooter 6-5000)
Ba ba-ba-ba, baby
Better call my plumber
He'll know what to do

([Announcer:] Call now. We're in the yellow pages!)
 
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"The Saga Begins"

"The Saga Begins"



A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the federation into
Maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy...

Oh my my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say
Ah, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy

We started singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interviewed the kid
Oh, training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said "Now listen here"
"Just stick it in your pointy ear"
"I still will teach this boy"

He was singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy

And I was singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We were singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
 
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"The Weird Al Show Theme"

"The Weird Al Show Theme"


Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al
And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal
But the sanitation workers really didn't approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhose in a vat of sour cream
But that's really not important to the story

Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist
With a spatula tattooed on her arm (on her arm)
But he didn't keep in touch
And he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tator tot farm
And he spent his life-savings on a split-level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the Earth (of the Earth)
And he really makes a might fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's worth

Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV
So he gives Al a contract and whaddya know
Now he's got his very own Weird Al show

[much unintelligible talking and yelling]
 
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