Frank Zappa

[fox69]

"The London Cab Tape"

"The London Cab Tape"


[London
Probably November 29, 1970]

[Howard:] This fucking guy is flipped out, man! I'll be locked up!
[?:] Who, me . . . ?
Yeah, you too!
[?:] It was anti-semitic of me to bring it up
[?:] Why, you don't like Jews, man?
[?:] Let me make it perfectly clear, [?] I don't mind that you are Jew, stay out . . . Take your Bar Mitzvah man, and shove it
[?:] I never had a Bar Mitzvah
[?:] You ever had a Yamulka, man?
[?:] No, I wore one once, though . . .
[?:] I knew it
[?:] What's wrong? You don't like 'em, man? That was [?] my cowboy hat . . .
[?:] [?] Just keep it out of my way, man, I don't wanna see that Yamulka on stage ever . . .
[?:] Uh . . . well, I don't know, man, that'd be sorta neat, not in this group of course, but tomorrow
[?:] Alright, alright . . .
[?:] Howard Kaylan World!
[?:] The Yamulka
[FZ:] Ha ha ha!
[?:] Dear Frank, thanks for paying a hundred twenty three dollars for my meal in Amsterdam, which I hated!
[?:] I mean it, man
[?:] I really enjoy playing in your little own ensemble
[?:] For a day or so
[?:] Thanks for bringing a little slice of sunshine into my life
[?:] Thanks for showing me how sh . . . shitty the music business could really be, I thought I knew
[?:] Thanks for make [?] worst bass player in the world
[?:] After six months with the Mothers I figured I've lost everything I've ever had

 

[fox69]

"The Mammy Nuns"

"The Mammy Nuns"


We got de talkin' shoes!
We de MAMMY NUNS!

[Thing-Fish:]
(Dominose Vobiskmmmmm!)

[Ensemble:]
We is important news!
We de MAMMY NUNS!

[Thing-Fish:]
(Et cum spear a TU-TU, Ohhhhh!)

[Ensemble:]
We destroy de blues!
We de MAMMY NUNS!

[Thing-Fish:]
Sho' am, y'all! (MAMMIES, step faw'd 'n express yo'sevs!)

[Ensemble:]
We sho can dance 'n sing!
We's a lot o' fun!

[Thing-Fish:]
(D'ja get any on ya down dere?)

[Ensemble:]
We's doin' everything!
We's a lot o' fun!

[Thing-Fish:]
(How'd YOU like to use my nakkin'?)

[Ensemble:]
We's doin' de buck 'n wing!
We's a lot o' fun!
We's offa de wall!

[Thing-Fish:]
(pointing to his skirt)

(Fo' those of you unfamiliar wit de' nakkin,
Dis be de nakkin'!)

[Ensemble:]
ON BROADWAY,
IT'S A NEW DAY . . .

[Thing-Fish:]
On Broadway, It's a New Day!
Dat's right! Dat's what I say!

[Ensemble:]
WHEN WE SAY . . .

[Thing-Fish:]
Oh yeah! You 'bout through wif my nakkin'?

[Ensemble:]
"We is de ones dey be callin' de 'MAMMY NUNS'!"

[Thing-Fish:]
We ugly as SIN!

[Ensemble:]
We de MAMMY NUNS!
WE BE LOOKIN' GOOD
WIT DE NAKKIN' ON!

[Thing-Fish:]
We gots a nasty grin-n-n-n-n!

[Ensemble:]
We de MAMMY NUNS!
WE BE LOOKIN' GOOD
WIT DE NAKKIN' ON!

[Thing-Fish:]
(pointing to HARRY)

We sho' ain't ugly as him . . .

[Ensemble:]
We de MAMMY NUNS!
LAWD LAWD LAWD,
LAWD LAWD LAWD,
LAWD LAWD LAWD,
WE DE MAMMY NUNS!

[Thing-Fish:]
Step right up, folks, 'n meet de 'MAMMY NUNS'! You two ugly white folks hafta excuse de SISTERS, as what dey put in de mash potatoes have rendered dem INCONTINENT! Anyhow, ovuh heahhhh, de scintillating SISTER OWL-GONKWIN-JANE COW-HOON, and de delectable SISTER GHENGHIS-ADONIS-OSMOSIS . . . 'long wif SISTER POTATO-HEAD BOBBY BROWN, and de ever-popular SISTER ANNE de DEVINE . . . an' howsabouta heart-warmin' welcome fo' SISTER JASMINE NOXEMA-TAPIOCA an' her unscrutable companium, SISTER OB'DEWLLA 'X' . . . an' I's yo host: de THING-FISH!

[Ensemble:]
ON BROADWAY,
IT'S A NEW DAY,
WHEN WE SAY:
"We is de ones dey be callin' de
'MAMMY NUNS'!"

[Thing-Fish:]
We is dressed to kill!

[Ensemble:]
We be lookin' good!

[Thing-Fish:]
We gives you quite a thrill!

[Ensemble:]
We be dancin' good!
(Whom a ninny? Him? Him a ninny! Hah!
Whom a ninny? You'm a ninny! Haw!)
Wit de dancin' skill,
Wit de nakkin' on, LAWD!

 

[fox69]

"The Man From Utopia Meets Mary Lou"

"The Man From Utopia Meets Mary Lou"



Well,
This is the story of a man who lived in Utopia
This is the story of a man who lived in Utopia
He was a funny little fella with feet just like I showed ya

Well, he had a girl, her name was Mary Lou
Well, he had a girl, her name was Mary Lou
She did everything for him that she could do

But still, still, still he wouldn't treat her right
But still, still, still he wouldn't treat her right
He would leave in the morning, don't come back till late at night

Ahh, Mary Lou (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)
Oh child you big fool (big fool, big fool)
Ahh, Mary Lou (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)
Oh child you big fool (big fool, big fool)
You did everything for him that you could do (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)

I'm going to tell you a story about Mary Lou
I mean the kind of girl who make a fool of you
She'd make a young man groan and a poor man pain
The way she took my money was a cryin' shame

Mary Lou - she took my watch and chain
Mary Lou - she took my diamond ring
Mary Lou - she took my Cadillac car
Jumped in my Kitty and then drove afar

Well, she picked up from Georgia, moved to Kalamazoo
Made her a fortune outta fools like you
Meet her a rich man who was married and had two kids
She stoked that cat till he flipped his lid Mary Lou - she took my watch and chain
Mary Lou - she took my diamond ring
Mary Lou - she took my Cadillac car
Jumped in my Kitty and then drove afar

Well, she came back to town about a week ago
Told me she was sorry she had hurt me so
I had a '55 Ford and a two dollar bill
The way she took that man she gave me a chill

Mary Lou - she took my watch and chain
Mary Lou - she took my diamond ring
Mary Lou - she took my Cadillac car
Jumped in my Kitty and then drove afar

Mary Lou (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)
Oh child you big fool (big fool, big fool)
Ahh, Mary Lou (Mary Lou, Mary Lou)
Oh child you big fool (big fool, big fool)
You did everything for him that you could do
You did everything for him that you could do
You did everything for him that you could do

 

[fox69]

"The Massive Improve'lence"

"The Massive Improve'lence"


[Thing-Fish: (to the rubber girl)]
Hmmm! Dat quite a massive improve'lence, dah-lin'! Jes' a few moments ago you was well on yo' way to bein' severely ugly! Now, thoo de magik o' stagekraff, de blubulence of yo' blobulence done reciprocated to a respectumal reclusium! Yow! SCIENCE!

[to HARRY & RHONDA]

Ef y'all don't minds me sayin' so, I b'lieves it's 'bout time fo yo pathetical miniaturized replicas to FALL IN LOVE! After all . . . dis lil' sucker already been fulla glue, homo-sectional extrusiums, 'n ARMY FOOD . . . nothin' left fo' him to do, 'cept get catched by dis' lil' stinker over heahhh!

'Membuh, we's on BROADWAY! Muthafucker be buyin' dem tickets wants a lil' HEART, a lil' SOUL . . . 'n some TITTY TOO, ef dey can git it, so, les' get y'all in positium heah, 'n get dis silly business over wit! Y'all's takin' too goddam long to GROW UP IN ERMERICA!

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
I suppose you're right, Mr. THING-FISH, but you'll have to admit . . . this is a rather awkward situation!

[Harry:]
That's right! Stage-craft is one thing, but this is ridiculous! Where did that stimulating little replica come from anyway?

[Rhonda:]
That's a GOOD QUESTION, HARRY! Don't let him wiggle out of it! Hound him mercifullessly until you receive a suitable answer!

[Harry:]
Now, just hold yourself in abeyance, RHONDA! I'll handle this! Look here, 'Mr. POTATO-HEAD,' what's the meaning of all this? Do you realize what you're asking my REPLICA to do? Do you expect him to literally FALL IN LOVE in front of all these people . . . with that artificial RHONDA over there?

[Thing-Fish:]
Whoa, do de Pope shit in de woods?

[Harry:]
Now, just hold on there, buddy! Let's be serious! The toilet training of exalted religious personalities is not our primary topic of discussion!

[Rhonda:]
HARRY, that's wonderful! The way you're just rearing up on your hind legs like that! That's terrific! So what if you suck a little cock every once in a while! That's TERRIFIC!

[Thing-Fish: (to HARRY)]
Look heuhhh, sweetheart, they's somethin' fishy gwine on . . . all I's wantin' to do is get de romantic in'trust out de way so we can git back to de EVIL PRINCE, 'n see what de fuck we gone do 'bouts HIM! De way you's givin' me de lip, lead me to infer a subterior motivatium!

[Harry: (singing)]
I WANT A NUN!
I WANT A NUN!
I WANT A BURRO,
IN THE FROSTY LIGHT!

[Thing-Fish:]
You want a NUN? De boy want a NUN? What de fuck kinda NUN you want?

[Harry: (singing)]
I CAN'T SEEM TO MAKE UP MY MIND!
SOMETHING ABOUT MAMMYS
SEEMS SO SUBLIME . . .
THAT'S THE BROADWAY WORD
USED WHEN THEY RHYME
A SONG ABOUT LOVE!

[Thing-Fish:]
But, on BROADWAY, it's a NEW DAY! Ain'tcha hoid? Yo' unrequired desirin's be mo' suited to de ZOMBY-FOLK up in de EVIL PRINCE'S lab-mo-to-rium!

[Harry: (whimpering)]
Don't make fun of me . . . PLEASE! I know I'm not the most desirable kind of fellow a 'MAMMY NUN' could choose for intimate companionship . . . but . . . but . . . gosh-darn-it, I'd TRY . . . I'd REALLY TRY to make you HAPPY!

[Rhonda:]
HARRY . . . you are . . . a worm . . . a disgusting WORM! YOU WORMMMMMM! You are nothing but a WORMMMMMMMMMMMM!

[Thing-Fish:]
Boy obviously got hisseff a provlum! Would y'all like to use my nakkin' one mo' time?

[Harry:]
Oh, YES! YES! Give me . . . your . . . how do you say it? 'NAY'KIN'? Oh!

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
I think this is going too far, Mr. THING-FISH! I haven't even had a chance to fall in love, or to grow to maturity yet! The ARTIFICIAL RHONDA is pining away for my wholesome companionship, just over there! This isn't right! You're letting everything get all out of sequence!

[Thing-Fish:]
Whoa! I gots yo' 'SEQUENCE' hangin', boy! Get outs de way! Cain't y'see dat de mizzable cock-sucker you ultimately gwine become done fell in love wit' a 'MAMMY NUN'! Awright, which one idit, sweetheart?

[Harry:]
I . . . I . . . can't seem to make up my mind . . . you're all so . . . MASTERFUL! So SENSUOUS . . . you're so INCREDIBLY TALENTED!

[Rhonda:]
. . . a wor-r-r-r-r-mmmmmmmmmm! You are a FUCKING WOR-R-R-R-R-R-R-MMMMMMMMM!

[Thing-Fish:]
Makes up yo' mind, dahlin'! We ain't gots all night heahhh! Intromissium be comin' up putty quick! Folks be headin' on out to de lobby fo' dem MASH POTATOES we tole 'em 'bout earlier!

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
I insist on FALLING IN LOVE, right now, this very moment, and I don't care what you do with HIM . . .

[Thing-Fish:]
Go 'head on den . . . go git yo' deflateable bitch ovuh deah! Judgin' fum all de fuss, you ain't in much better shape den de large economy size been clutchin' at my nakkin!

We gots a love song (jes' yo' type), bridgin' de conceptiumal gap between what you IS, what you THINK you is, what WE think you is, what you is GONNA BE, 'n also what yo' rubberized madonna be somewhat remindin' me of!

SISTER OB'DEWLLA 'X', gather de mo' sensitive MAMMYS together fo' harmonicizatiumal purposes, while de ones with de M.B.A.'s hit de lobby 'n sell some shit, 'fo de customers over-run yo' ass! Meanwhile, lil' guy, go get yo' rubber girl 'n esspress yo-seff!

 

[fox69]

"The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing"

"The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing"



Some take the bible
For what it's worth
When it says that the meek
Shall inherit the Earth
Well, I heard that some sheik
Has bought New Jersey last week
'N you suckers ain't gettin' nothin'

Is Hare Rama really wrong
If you wander around
With a napkin on
With a bell on a stick
An' your hair is all gone...
(The geek shall inherit nothin')

You say yer life's a bum deal
'N yer up against the wall...
Well, people, you ain't even got no
Deal at all
'Cause what they do
In Washington
They just takes care
of NUMBER ONE
An' NUMBER ONE ain't YOU
You ain't even NUMBER TWO

Those Jesus Freaks
Well, they're friendly but
The shit they believe
Has got their minds all shut
An' they don't even care
When the church takes a cut
Ain't it bleak when you got so much nothin'
(So whaddya do)
Eat that pork
Eat that ham
Laugh till ya choke
On Billy Graham
Moses, Aaron 'n Abraham...
They're all a waste of time
'N it's yer ass that's on the line
(IT'S YER ASS THAT'S ON THE LINE)

Do what you wanna
Do what you will
Just don't mess up
Your neighbor's thrill
'N when you pay the bill
Kindly leave a little tip
And help the next poor sucker
On his one way trip. . .
SOME TAKE THE BIBLE. . .
(Aw gimme a half a dozen for the hotel room!)

 

[fox69]

"The Motel Lobby"

"The Motel Lobby"


[includes a quote from Blue Moon (Hart/Rodgers)]

[Howard:] Sure, man, and I'll go until two and I'm gonna be in there supporting 'em, in fact I'll sit in with those guys. I'm into it, I'll sing a little "Blue Moon . . . "
[Mark:] Hey man . . .
[Dick:] Listen, this is a nice place, man, it's got a beautiful room . . .
[Howard:] Don't give me that man, it's plastic city, it bites, the guy behind . . .
[Dick:] Relax and enjoy some of the wo-, wonderments of nature . . .
[Howard:] No no no no, the guy behind the desk is a werewolf. You can't give me any of that, the chick over there's been dead for twenty minutes. I'm hip to this place, I've seen 'em in my sleep, man
[Dick:] Hey, listen, I've never seen you this way, man
[Howard:] No, man, I'm not keyed at all
[Dick:] You're unpleasant
[Howard:] I'm not unpleasant! I can't wait to sign the card and check into my little closet. Unpack my leather cape, hang it up on the wall, get out the washboard, put away my nitty books and get into it! I'm gonna go down and cruise in that lounge, man, I'm gonna have . . .
[Dick:] Watch this, it's right in there, just step right in
[Howard:] I'm gonna take a look

[?:] Hello, Frank . . .
[Howard:] Ooohoowwoh!
[Mark:] Hey, what is this, man? Is this the can-can room?
[Howard:] This place waits for us, man
[Mark:] This place waits us! Is there a piano?
[Howard:] There's a juke box with a lotta hokie country songs on it. I am coming in here and getting blotto in about ten minutes
[Mark:] Oh, man, me too!

 

[fox69]

"The Motel Room"

"The Motel Room"


[Aynsley:] Leaving in fifteen minutes, Frank
[Howard:] I've never been . . . underwear!

" . . . funny"
[Mark:] Fantastic! The world were meant for you
[Howard:] Hey man, anyone checked out that show that's on called "TV . . . "
[Aynsley:] Yeah . . . show . . .
[Howard:] "TV Around the World," a BBC show. The lowest

 

[fox69]

"The Mud Shark"

"The Mud Shark"


[includes a quote from Little House I Used To Live In]

[FZ:] That's right, you heard right, the Secret Word for tonight is Mud Shark! And of course with the Mud Shark Secret Word is the Mud Shark Arpeggio . . . a marvellous little arpeggio, and now the mating call of the adult male Mud Shark . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] THE MUD SHARK DANCING LESSON!

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[Mark:] Wait a minute . . . we're gonna do a little dancing . . . a little dancing thing called the Mud Shark . . . Now, this dance started up in Seattle
[Howard:] Yes . . .
[Mark:] The story . . .
[FZ:] Lemme tell you the story 'bout the Mud Shark . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] Bring the band on down behind me, boys . . .
[Howard:] Say! Good God! Ain't it funky! Say!
[FZ:] The origins of the Mud Shark are as follows . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] There's a motel in Seattle, Washington, called the Edgewater Inn . . . The Edgewater Inn is built out on a pier . . . so that means that when you look out your window you don't see any dirt, it's . . . got a bay or something out in your backyard . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] And to make it even more interesting, in the lobby of the aforementioned motel there's a bait and tackle shop where the residents can go down and, whenever they want to, rent a fishing pole and some preserved minnows and schlep back up to their rooms, open the window, stick their little pole outside and within a few minutes actually catch a fish of some sort that they can bring into their motel room and do whatever they want with it, you know what I mean?

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] Now in this bay there's quite a variety of . . . fish!

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] Not only do they have mud sharks up there, they got little octopusses that you can catch

Fish!
Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] And all of these denizens of the deep can come in real handy . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] Let's say you were a travelling Rock and Roll band called The Vanilla Fudge . . . let's say one night you checked into the Edgewater Inn with an 8mm movie camera . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] Enough money to rent a pole, and just to make it more interesting . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] A succulent young lady!
[Howard:] Nooo!
[FZ:] With a taste for the bizarre . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] My mind drifts back . . . to a meeting, a chance meeting in the Chicago O'Hare Airport . . .

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] Where the members of The Vanilla Fudge told Don Preston about a home movie they made at the Edgewater Inn . . . with a mud shark!

Mud Sh-sh-shark

[FZ:] And I'm gonna tell you, this dance, the Mud Shark, is sweeping the ocean!

Hey! Mud Sh-sh-shark

[Mark:] Ah, we're goin'! Go 'head! Ah, we're goin'! Now we're gonna go out, somehow! Come one!

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
(Now show 'em what they do with the Mud Shark!)
Out
You go out
(Now show 'em what they do with the Mud Shark!)
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Hey!
Out
You go out
(Catch the Mud Shark)
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby
Out
You go out
So far out
You do the Mud Shark, baby

 

[fox69]

"The Mud Shark Interview"

"The Mud Shark Interview"


[includes The Look Of Love (Bacharach/David) and Wives And Lovers (Bacharach/David) as background music]

[FZ:] What's your name?
[Mr Tickman:] I'm Martin Tickman
[FZ:] And what is your position here?
[Mr Tickman:] Front office manager
[FZ:] The name of this stablishment is . . . ?
[Mr Tickman:] This is the Edgewater Inn
[FZ:] In Seattle, Washington. Can you tell me, uh, how some rock'n'roll groups have taken advantage of this unique situation?
[Mr Tickman:] They've taken advantage in different ways, and we do encourage, uh, and advertise that you can fish from your room and we are glad to have our guests fish from 'em
[FZ:] Do you supply them with fishing equipment?
[Mr Tickman:] No, but we have a shop in the hotel that does rent the equipment as well as bait
[FZ:] What sort of bait do they usually use?
[Mr Tickman:] Uh, it's a preserved minnow of some variety, I don't know exactly what the fish is
[FZ:] Well, what do they do after they fish from the window?
[Mr Tickman:] Well, rock'n'roll bands and other guests as well often catch shark and squid and octopus and usually we, it lands up either in the bath tub or dribbled on the floor on the way to the bath tub
[FZ:] Mm-mmh . . .
[Mr Tickman:] But it's not reserved to, uh, to any rock'n'roll bands, I mean, other guests do it too
[FZ:] Mm-mmh, but how frequently do you find squids and sharks and octopuses in the bath tubs of the rooms here at the hotel?
[Mr Tickman:] After almost any good weekend of pretty heavy occupancy, say like over half the house filled
[FZ:] If you have over the . . .
[Mr Tickman:] Way, way . . .
[FZ:] . . . over half house filled you'd find one, say?
[Mr Tickman:] Yeah, say, one or something like that
[FZ:] So how often would you say that is each week? Twice a week you'd find a . . . ?
[Mr Tickman:] Well, I would, I don't know that I would say that it would average to anything like that, you may find on four or five rooms with fish from various places, you know, around. But there's not much you can do with the shark after you've caught him, you know, some of these things are pretty big
[FZ:] What would you imagine is done with these, uh, sharks after they've been caught before they are left, uh, for you to be cleaned up?
[Mr Tickman:] Sometimes the guest calls the houseman or housekeeper to haul it away because there's nothing that they can do with it
[FZ:] Yeah, well. Have you ever heard of any other things that were done with them before they were hauled away?
[Mr Tickman:] Yes, a lot of, some people like to, uh, perform vivisection on 'em, or something like that. Occasionally you find that little bit of mess . . .
[FZ:] Yeah
[Mr Tickman:] I'll say that the, the, the "blood on the carpet" syndrome is rather, eh, rather rare, but it did occasionally happen
[FZ:] Do you ever find fish blood on the sheets of your beds here?
[Mr Tickman:] Not identifiable as such, no . . .
[FZ:] I see. Do you know of any stories about, uh, bizarre sexual activities performed with squid, octopus and mud sharks here in your rooms?
[Mr Tickman:] No . . . I should think a mud shark would be a little uncomfortable, since their skin is so sandy but, uh, never heard of anyone having it with an octopus

 

[fox69]

"The Nancy & Mary Music"

"The Nancy & Mary Music"


Everybody sing!