Weird Al Yankovic

[fox69]

"CNR"

"CNR"



Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man
The kind of man you'd never disrespect
He stood eight feet tall, wore glasses, and had a third nipple on the back of his neck
He ate his own weight in coal, excreted diamonds everyday
He could throw you down a flight of stairs, but you still would love him anyway
Yeah, you know you'd love him anyway

Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France with two flat tires and a missing chain
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry, I'm telling you the man was insane
He could rip out your beating heart, and show it to you before you died
Everyday he'd make the host of Match Game give him a piggyback ride
Yeah, two hour piggyback ride, giddy up Gene

Ninja warrior, master of disguise
He could melt your brain with his laser-beam eyes, Oh yeah
Oh yeah
He had his very own line at the DMV
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, that was something to see, I tell ya

Charles Nelson Reilly sold his toe nail clippings as a potent aphrodisiac
He ran a four minute mile blindfolded with an engine block strapped to his back
He could eat more frozen waffles than any other man I know
Once he fell off the Chrysler building and he barely even stubbed his toe
Had a tiny little scratch on his toe, Didn't even hurt

Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion, but he never ever told a soul
I've seen the man unhinge his jaw, and swallow a Volkswagen whole
He'd bash your face in with a shovel if you didn't treat him like a star
You could spit at the wind, or tug at Superman's cape
But Lord knows you don't mess around with CNR
No, no, no
Talkin' about CNR

 

[fox69]

"Confessions Part III"

"Confessions Part III"



Watch this

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say I came up up with more secrets to tell you today
These are my confessions
Slip my mind the last two times
Silly me, so now I gotta give you part three of my confessions
First I told you about the skank that I was cheating with,then I mentioned she's having my kid
That's not all, now I recall more you see, so I'll give you part three of my confessions

Now this is gonna be the hardest thing I ever had to do,
Gonna tell you everything I left out of parts one and two
Like remember when I told you I knew Paulie Shore (Paulie Shore)
That's a lie, I don't know what I said that for
I borrowed your chapstick (from you)
Without asking I tried out your nose hair trimmer (too)
And by the way your diamond ring is cubic circonium,
I killed your goldfish accidentally, just replaced it with another one

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say I needed to get some things off my chest right away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me, I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
I threw up on your dog last time I had too much to drink
There have been times when I've peed in your sink
Don't know why, but you and I should agree that belongs in part three of my confessions

Baby forgive me I'm still trying to figure out why I used your toothbrush to clean off the bathroom grought
Oh and sometimes in private, I really like to dress up as Shirley Temple and spank myself with a hockey stick (hockey stick)
My boss thinks I'm a jerk, I didn't get that raise.
I haven't changed my underwear in twenty-seven days!
And when I'm kissing you I fantasize you as a midget
I'm so sorry Debbi! I mean Bridget!

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say I got a few more secrets I'd like to convey
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me, I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
Gave you buttered toast I dropped and then picked up off the floor
FYI it was not a cold sore
Oops my bad, but you'll be madder at me when I finish part three of my confessions

You don't know how hard it is for me to tell you this, but remember that shirt that you got me for my birthday?
Well, I returned it for store credit. That thing was hideous, what were you thinking?
O and by the way, I wasn't really sick last week,
I just didn't wanna go to your stupid office picnic
Oh and when I told you at breakfast we were all out of rice krispies,
What I meant was that there was only enough left for me. Sorry.

These are my confessions
Just when I thought I said all I could say, I thought of some more things that should scare you away
These are my confessions
Slipped my mind the last two times, silly me, I guess I gotta give you part three of my confessions
Once I blew my nose and wiped it on your cat
And I lied, yes that dress makes you look fat
Anyway, I shouldn't say anymore 'til I give you part four of my confessions

 

[fox69]

"Couch Potato"

"Couch Potato"



Look
If you had
One shot
To sit on your lazy butt
And watch all the TV you ever wanted
Until your brain turned to mush
Would you go for it?
Or just let it slip?
Yo

Remote is ready
Eyes wide, palms are sweaty
There's Flintstones on the TV already
Wilma 'n' Betty
No virgin to channel surfin'
And I'm HD-ready
So I flip
Garbage is all I'm getting

There's Simon Cowell
Who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth
Always says something foul
They're dyin', wow
Wannabes are crying now
He votes them out
Time to throw in the towel

Shows based on reality
Oh, the humanity!
Oh, Ozzy's family
Sho' loves profanity
Whoa, the insanity
Oh, dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity?
No, they live happily
Yo

Plus "Da Ali G Show"
And "Celebrity Mole"
Oh, and there's Anna Nicole
Well, she's scaring me

"Look ma, no cavities"
Oh, it's a station break
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something

"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV" They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime (yo)

"You're gonna lose your mind watchin' TV"
They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off those music videos" (no)
I'm gonna watch C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)

My butt is aching
As I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking
Larry King
To "24" to "Law And Order"
The Weather Channel's boring like "60 Minutes"'s ancient reporters
Next up on "E! True Hollywood Story"
The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey

Shows for next fall, they've already been namin'
"CSI: Boise" and "Touched By An Uncle" both sound pretty lame 'n'
So does "Everybody Tolerates Raymond"
And "King of Queens" jumped the shark the first minute
I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it

I'll move right on to "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenaged Daughter"
Then I bet
I watch "The Bachelorette"
Followed by "Welcome Back, Kotter"
And "The Muppet Show" where they go 'Mahna Mahna'

"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Disney Channel and A&E and Lifetime (yo)

"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, cajoled me
But I still love Lisa Kudrow (drow)
I'm looking at C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're Gonna)

Never missed "Melrose Place" or "Lost In Space"
I've seen each "Amazing Race" and "Without A Trace"
But I only watched "Will And Grace" one time one day
Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay

Oh, and "Fear Factor" I watched maybe a half hour
After that, felt like I needed a long shower
Network execs with naked ambitions
"Next week on FOX, watch lions eat Christians"

Like to tie up those programming planners
Make 'em watch all of that junk 'til their heads explode just like "Scanners"
Leech-covered grub-eatin' fools on "Survivor"
Look there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider

And there's "Gilligan" and "SpongeBob", plus there's "MacGyver"
And Jay Leno has got Madonna, hey there's Luke Perry on a
Special all Pig-Latin episode of "Drew Carey"

Wanna turn on "E.T." 'cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week
A 30 second spot
Then we come back to "Are You Hot?"
I was planning on recording "The Sopranos"
I forgot

I love shows with or without a plot
I'll stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got
One brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot

"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, they'd scold me
But I'd still tune in every show (show)
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime (yo)

"You're gonna lose your mind watching TV"
They told me, cajoled me, "Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show" (no)
I got it on C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime (yo)
(You're gonna)

You can watch anything you want to, man

 

[fox69]

"Craigslist"

"Craigslist"



Whoa, yeah!

You've got a 65 Chevy Malibu
With automatic drive, a custom paint job too
I'll trade you for my old wheelbarrow
And a slightly-used sombrero
And I'll even throw in a stapler, if you insist

Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, baby, come on
Yeah

Well, we shared a quick glance Saturday at the mall
I never took a chance, never approached you at all
You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas
I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask
Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed

On Craigslist
Yeah, Craigslist, come on
I'm on Craigslist, baby
Maybe you are too
Bee bomp a chonk a donk bim bang boo

An open letter to the snotty barista
At the Coffee Bean on San Vicente Boulevard:
I know there were 20 people behind me in line
But I was on a cell phone call with my mother
Didn't you see me hold up my index finger?
That means I'll order my soy decaf hazelnut latte in just a couple minutes
So what's with the attitude, lady?
No tip for you

Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts, you can have em for free
You can drop by on the weekend and pick em up from me
But the trash can ain't part of the deal
Only givin' you the peanuts, get real
Don't have no Hefty bags, so bring your own
Don't bug me with questions on the phone
Don't ask for help, don't waste my time
And don't complain, cause they won't cost you a dime
Just ask yourself
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have my Styrofoam peanuts
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have 'em all

They're on Craigslist, yeah
Craigslist, oh baby, come on
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist now
Craigslist

 

[fox69]

"Crampton Comes Alive"

"Crampton Comes Alive"



Well, woke up this morning
With a Big Mac in my hand
What fries, whose fries
Where's my Hot Apple Pies
Must be a joke
I can't believe there's no Coke
Thank you, thank you, thank you

 

[fox69]

"Dare To Be Stupid"

"Dare To Be Stupid"



Put down your chainsaw and listen to me
It's time for us to join in the fight
It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys
It's time to let the bedbugs bite

You better put all your eggs in one basket
You better count your chickens before they hatch
You better sell some wine before it's/its time
You better find yourself an itch to scratch

You better squeeze all the Charmin you can while Mr. Wimpole's not around
Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan

Talk with your mouth full
Bite the hand that feeds you
Bite on more than you chew
What can you do
Dare to be stupid

Take some wooden nickles
Look for Mr. Goodbar
Get your mojo working now
I'll show you how
You can dare to be stupid

You can turn the other cheek
You can just give up the ship
You can eat a bunch of sushi and forget to leave a tip

Dare to be stupid
Come on and dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Let's go

It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill
So can I have a volunteer
There's no more time for crying over spilled milk
Now it's time for crying in your beer

Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA
Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevyrolet
And party 'till you're broke and they drive you away
It's OK, you can dare to be stupid

It's like spitting on a fish
It's like barking up a tree
It's like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free

Dare to be stupid (yes)
Why don't you dare to be stupid
It's so easy to do
Dare to be stupid
We're all waiting for you
Dare to be stupid

Burn your candle at both ends
Look a gift horse in the mouth
Mashed potatoes can be your friends

You can be a coffee achiever
You can sit around the house and watch Leave It To Beaver
The future's up to you
So what you gonna do

Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
What did I say
Dare to be stupid
Tell me, what did I say
Dare to be stupid
It's alright
Dare to be stupid
We can be stupid all night
Dare to be stupid
Come on, join the crowd
Dare to be stupid
Shout it out loud
Dare to be stupid
I can't hear you
Dare to be stupid
OK, I can hear you now
Dare to be stupid
Let's go, Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid
Dare to be stupid

 

[fox69]

"Dead Car Battery Blues"

"Dead Car Battery Blues"



One, two, a-one, two, three, four

Well I, can't go to the park
I can't go to work
I can't do nothin'
I gotta stay in my house like a jerk

How come I always lose
My car has blown a fuse
Oh yeah
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes
And the dead car battery blues

You know, can't visit my girlfriend
I can't go to school
I can't go anywhere
Gotta stay in my room like a fool

'Cause I got grease in my hair
My Belvedere's in disrepair
Oh yeah
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes
And the dead car battery blues

So I, went to see my mechanic
He said, "Okay, now what is wrong"
I told him my car wouldn't start
He said, "This shouldn't take very long"

So he replaced all my plugs and my points
And he looked at my carburetor
He took out my engine and turned it around
And then seventeen hours later

He looked at my headlights and said
"Son, how long have these things been on"
I told him, "Oh, about three or four weeks"
He said, "Buddy, I know what's wrong"
"But I hate to be the one to give you the news"
"You got the dead car battery blues"

So now I, can't go to my office
Can't work on my job
I might as well lock myself up in my room
And live my life like a slob

How come I always lose
My Belvedere has blown a fuse
Oh yeah
I got hydraulic fluid leakin' in my shoes
And the dead car battery blues

 

[fox69]

"Do I Creep You Out"

"Do I Creep You Out"


I know that you
Don't know me very well
We've barely met
But I can surely tell
No one will ever
Love you like I do

I like to feel
The warm spot on your chair
Sometimes I drool
And usually I stare
My precious one
I saved that gum
That you threw in the garbage

You're the one I dream about
But the only question with me now
Is "Do I creep you out?"
Everytime I shake your hand now
Wanna stick your fingers in my mouth
Do I creep you out?

Call you every night and hang up
Gonna carve your name in my leg
In my leg, oh-oh!

Somethin' I should ask about
Can I sniff the pit-stains on your blouse?
And do I creep you,
Do I creep you out?
(Your restraining order's out)
(Still the only question with me now)
Oh the only question
(Is "Do I creep you out?")
Is "Do I creep you out?"
Know exactly where you live now
Follow you from work right to your house
Well, do I creep you out?
Do I creep you out?

[Cheering crowd]

 

[fox69]

"Dog Eat Dog"

"Dog Eat Dog"



Found a job in a great big office,
And I really love this place
I got my.... my very own scotch tape dispenser,
And I've got a private parking space... Ha!
And I... I got my coffee mug with my... with my name right on it
In big bold letters, so everyone knows it's mine
Don't even touch it, cause... cause it doesn't belong to you.
And I'm watchin' you, so don't get funny.

I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder.
Watch out! It's dog eat dog.
Nose against the grindstone, it feels alright.
Watch Out! It's dog eat dog.
Here we go.

I love to watch my boss get angry,
So I can count the veins in his neck. Ha!
Everyday is like a picnic,
Every Friday, get a check.

Well, do I smell Jelly donuts? This is my lucky day!
I'll have some coffee with a carcinogenic sweetener.
Hold on a minute, just one more jelly donut.
They'll never miss it.... No, they'll never miss it!

I.... I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder!
Watch Out! Well, It's dog eat dog.
Nose against the grindstone, it feels alright.
Watch out, hey! Well, It's dog eat dog.

Sometimes I can't believe this is all really happening!
Sometimes I can't believe that I'm really sitting here!
Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful stapler!"
Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful chair!"

Lahg-doogie-doggy-dog-dog-dah-aye-yah-yah
Ha! Ha!

Nobody's sure what I do here,
And ahh, that's just fine with me.
Five o'clock is here much too soon now,
'Cause I just never wanna leave.

I can bend paper clips into the shapes of small animals
Maybe I can get on, on David Letterman
I-I-I-I-I think I made a big mistake
Where's my liquid paper, where's my liquid paper?

I, I'm climbing up, way up the corporate ladder now
Watch out! Well, It's dog eat dog.
Nose against the grindstone, it feels alright.
Better be careful now, It's dog eat dog
Watch me work. Hey, hey, stand back now.
Look out mama! It's dog eat dog.
Nose against the grindstone, it feels real good.
Hey, dog eat dog.
Here we go.

Doggy Doggy Dog Dog!
It's dog eat dog!

Say Hi-eye-eye-eye-eye!
Dog eat dog!

Woof woof!
Hey! Heyyyy!
Dog eat dog!

Say Brrrrrr!
Dog eat dog!

Here we go!
Ha!
Dog eat dog!

Bah-dah Bah-dah Ayeeeewww
Dog eat dog!

Nah Nahalah Hi-eye-eye-eye-eye!
Dog eat dog!

Ruff! Ruff!
Dog eat dog, dog eat dog!

 

[fox69]

"Don't Download This Song"

"Don't Download This Song"


Once in a while
Maybe you will feel the urge.
To break international copyright law
By downloading mp3s
From file sharing sites
Like Morpheus, or Grokster, or LimeWire, or Kazaa.
But deep in your Heart.
You know the guilt would drive you mad
And the shame would leave a permanent scar
Cause you start out stealing songs
Then you're robbing liquor stores
And selling Crack
And running over school kids with your car

[Chorus]
So Don't Download This Song
The record store is where you belong
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh Don't Download This Song

Oh you don't want to mess
With the R I Double A
They'll sue you if you burn that CD-R.
It doesn't matter if you're a grandma
Or a seven year old girl
They'll treat you like the evil Hard-bitten criminal scum you are

[Chorus]
So Don't Download This Song (don't go)
Pirating music all day long
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh Don't Download This Song

Don't take away money
From artists just like me
How else can I afford another solid gold Hum V
And diamond studded swimming pools
These things don't grow on trees
So all I ask is everybody Please

[Chorus]
Don't Download This Song (Don't do it No No)
Even Lars Urlich Know it's wrong (You could just ask him)
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should (You Really Should)
Oh Don't Download This Song

Don't Download This Song (Oh please don't you do it or you)
Might Wind up in Jail like Tommy Chong (Remember Tommy)
Go and buy the CD (Right Now) like you know that you should (Go out and Buy it)
Oh Don't Download This Song.

Don't Download This Song (No no no no no no)
Or you'll burn in hell before to long (And you deserve it)
Go and buy the CD (Just buy it) like you know that you should (You cheap bastard)