Weird Al Yankovic

[fox69]

"Buy Me A Condo"

"Buy Me A Condo"



Gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on

Wo, used to live in Jamaica but I don't live dere no more
Had to change me lifestyle
Do t'ings I never done before
So now I'm just a lonely Rastaman
Living in dis American town
Gonna sell me Bob Marley records
Gonna get me some Jackson Browne

I gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
and get a wallet full 'o credit cards, eh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on

Wo, gonna cut off me dreadlocks
T'row away all me ganja
I'll have a tupperware party
Maybe join me a health spa
I'll get a bowl of plastic fruits
And a microwave oven, too
Then I'll have the neighbors over for a weenie barbeque

Gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards, oh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I get a funny little T-shirt wit' de alligator on

Ain't gonna work in de field no more
Gonna be Amway distributor
Ain't gonna work in de field no more (no, no)
Gonna be Amway distributor

(Ja) Ja, ja, ja, life is so very hard
I need a (ja) ja, ja, ja jacuzi in me back yard

Oh, I gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards, eh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on

What'd you say?

I gonna buy me a condo
I gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
Get a wallet full 'o credit cards, oh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on

What'd you say?

I gonna buy me a condo
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
Get a wall-to-wall carpeting
And get a wallet full 'o credit cards, oh
I gonna buy me a condo, never have to mow de lawn
I gonna get me da T-shirt wit' de alligator on

 

[fox69]

"Cable TV"

"Cable TV"



I used to think my life was so empty
I used to think life was passin' me by
Well, I was just about ready
To curl up and die

But then one day I got a visit
From the cable company
Well, they hooked me up and plugged me right in
And now I got cable TV

And now I get to watch the stock report in Korean
Midget wrestling on channel three
It costs me fifty bucks a month just to see 'em
Yeah, but that's all right with me

I got cable TV (Cable TV)
Cable TV (Cable TV)
Oh, eighty-three channels of ecstasy
I love my cable TV, yeah
I love my cable TV

I got the Siamese Faith Healer's Network
The news and weather from Peru
I got celebrity hockey
The Racketball Channel too

Bugs Bunny direct from Atlanta
Mr. Wizard is on at five
I got a satellite dish on the trunk of my car
So I can watch MTV while I drive

I'm talkin' 'bout real quality programs
The kind you just can't get for free
Now I never wanna leave my apartment
'Cause there's just so much for me to see

On my cable TV (Cable TV)
Cable TV(Cable TV)
Well, if you need to find me
You know where I'll be
Watchin' my cable TV, yeah
Watchin' my cable TV

'Cause I love my cable TV, yeah
I love my cable TV

My friends are gettin' kinda worried
They think I'm turning into some kinda freak
Oh, but they're just jealous 'cause I've seen Porky's
Twenty-seven times this week

On my cable TV (Cable TV)
Cable TV (Cable TV)
Yeah, the greatest thing that's ever happened to me
I love my cable TV, yeah
I love my cable TV

Well, I got to have cable TV, yeah
I need my cable TV

Well, I love, I love my cable TV (TV)
Got to have cable TV (TV)
Well, I got to have my cable TV, yeah (TV)
Can't live without my cable TV

Well, I said, got to have some cable TV (TV)
I've got to have my cable TV
I said cable TV, yeah (TV)
Got to have cable TV

 

[fox69]

"Callin' In Sick"

"Callin' In Sick"



Hit my snooze alarm for the twenty seventh time
Just don't feel like goin' to work - I think I'll call my boss, then I'm
Gonna hack and cough and wheeze
Swear I got some strange disease
What's that little twerp gonna say
Hey

I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today

I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp
I could spend all day in my underwear wathing "Ernest Goes To Camp"
I could sit and count my hair
I could burp my Tupperware
I'm not busy anyway
Hey

I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't goin' to work, no way
Callin' in sick today

I can do anything I want to
I am invincible now
I'm on fire, baby
I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world?
I'm alive

Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun
And trying not to squint
Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry from
My belly button lint
When I'm sick of takin' abuse
I just make up some lame excuse
Freedom's just seven digits away
Hey

I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't gonna work, no way
Callin' in sick today

 

[fox69]

"Canadian Idiot"

"Canadian Idiot"



Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
Don't wanna be some beer swillin' hockey nut
And do I look like some frostbitten hose-head?
I never learned my alphabet from A to Zed

They all live on donuts and moose meat
And they leave the house without packin' heat
Never even bring their guns to the mall
And you know what else is too funny?
Their stupid Monopoly money
Can't take 'em seriously at all

Well maple syrup and snow's what they export
They treat curling just like it's a real sport
They think their silly accent is so cute
Can't understand a thing they're talkin' aboot

Sure they got their national health care
Cheaper meds, low crime rates and clean air
Then again well they got Celine Dion
Eat their weight in Kraft macaroni
And dream of drivin' a Zamboni
All over Saskatchewan

Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
Won't figure out their temperature in Celsius
See the map, they're hoverin' right over us
Tell you the truth, it makes me kinda nervous

Always hear the same kind of story
Break their nose and they'll just say "sorry"
Tell me what kind of freaks are that polite?
It's gotta mean they're all up to somethin'
So quick, before they see it comin'
Time for a pre-emptive strike!

 

[fox69]

"Cavity Search"

"Cavity Search"



Listen to the Muzak
Hearin' people scream
Sittin' in the waiting room
Readin' crappy magazines
With a toothache
This is it, pal
Root Canal

My molars are impacted
I'm gettin' gum disease
I'm gonna need some fillings
Got twelve cavities
Can you help me
Have mercy
Doctor, please

My teeth are a fright
Got a huge overbite
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

You jab at my nerve endings
It's driving me insane
Just give me nitrous oxide
Shoot me up with novocaine
Help me out here
'Cause I'm so severe
Pain

Please stop for a bit
Let me rinse and spit
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

You validate my parking
I think that I'm okay
But you make one more appointment for
A week from Saturday
'Cause you came upon
A problem on
My x-ray
Oy vey!

I'm getting absurd
Well, I hope I'm insured, now
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me

 

[fox69]

"Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios"

"Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios"



Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios
Did you know Froot Loops fit in your nose
I may be just a simple guy
But just the thought of Corn Flakes makes me high

Cheerios, Cocoa Puffs, Cheerios
Makes me want to take off all my clothes
I love them dearly, and that's how it goes
Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios

 

[fox69]

"Chicken Pot Pie"

"Chicken Pot Pie"


When we were young, Bernie's Deli was down the block
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
He made a great liver pate
(You know he did, you know he did, you know he did)
But if there's one thing in this world that I like better
Than a corned beef on rye

It's Chicken Pot Pie
Chicken Pot Pie

[chorus of chicken-cluck imitations]

 

[fox69]

"Christmas At Ground Zero"

"Christmas At Ground Zero"


It's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carolers are singin'
While the air raid sirens blare

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That this is not a test

Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last minute shoppin'
It's time to face your final destiny

Well, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath a mushroom cloud

[siren]

You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
But if someone's climbin' down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill

Oh, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see the all new
Mutations on New Year's Day

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday

[siren]

 

[fox69]

"Christmas Memories Of "Weird Al" Yankovic"

"Christmas Memories Of "Weird Al" Yankovic"



Hello, this is "Weird Al" Yankovic.
You know, some of my favorite memories are those of Christmastime.
I still remember when I was a little boy, just waiting for the big day.
Mom would be cooking up a mess of boysenberry and tunafish burritos
for our big Christmas dinner, and dad would be decorating the tree with little bits of Spam.
And then, the big day would finally arrive.
I'd stay up all night and wait for Santa,
a-and when he finally showed up,
we'd all hold his hands down in the waffle maker until he promised
to give us everything we wanted! Ah, yeah, those were the days.
Well, Merry Christmas everybody, and, let's do lunch.

 

[fox69]

"Close But No Cigar"

"Close But No Cigar"


Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same

And I loved her even more
Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in every way

Except she was always using the word "infer"
When she obviously meant "imply"
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why

And I told her, I said
"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?
No, I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
But no cigar!"

Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habanjero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate

And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Momma Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass

I thought after all these years of searching around
I'd found my soulmate finally
But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy
Of Joe Dirt on DVD

Oh, no! I said
"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
Oh, so very close! (Close!)
Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!"

(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(ALL RIGHT!)

[Hand claps, trumpet solo]

Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo

And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to #1 on my list
And did I mention she's a world famous billionare
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist

Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobbering pig
The only caveat is one of her earlobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big

I said
"Hey! Are we doing government work here?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (Close!)
So very, very close! (Close!)
Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
So close!
But no cigar!"

Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)
But no cigar!