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"Uncle Bernie's Farm"

"Uncle Bernie's Farm"


[includes a quote from White Christmas (Berlin)]

I'm dreaming . . . (Oh no-o-o!)

There's a bomb to blow yo mommy up
A bomb for your daddy too (ouch.)
A baby doll that burps & pees
A case of airplane glue
A hungry plastic troll
To scarf yo buddy's arm
A box of ugly plastic things marked:
Uncle Bernie's Farm!

There's a little plastic congress
There's a nation you can buy (I'll take two.)
There's a doll that looks like mommy
She'll do anything but cry (I seen her.)
There's a doll that looks like daddy
He's a funny little man
Push a button & ask for money
There's a dollar in his hand (check his wallet.)

We gotta send Santa Claus back to the Rescue Mission
Christmas don't make it no more
Don't you know that murder & destruction
Scream the toys in every store (think this'll sell in New York?)

There's a man who runs the country
There's a man who tried to think
And they're all made out of plastic
When they melt they start to stink
There's a book with smiling children
Nearly dead with Christmas joys!
And smiling in his office
Is the creep who makes the toys . . .

[FZ:] We got this car: when it hits the wall you see the guy dying . . . got the little plastic puddles of blood . . . by the car
I'M DREAMING . . .
[Ray:] He has intestines . . . he has plastic intestines you can
stuff back into his stomach . . .
[FZ:] There's this other thing, I've got bombs. I've got rockets, I've got a . . . I've got a stilson wrench & plastic brass knuckles . . .
[Ray:] And it comes with a tape recorder with sound effects . . .
[FZ:] We got a '39 Chevy . . .
 
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"Uncle Meat Film Excerpt Part II"

"Uncle Meat Film Excerpt Part II"


[Phyllis:] I used to watch him eat, and while he was eating I would talk to him, and while he was eating I would ask him what he was doing, and all he would say was, "I'm using the chicken to measure it." Till this day I still don't know what he was talking about! That Minnesota Tishman, he was some guy, but I still never understood what he meant. The chicken to measure it, I don't know, probably some secret thing.

[Phyllis:] "I'm getting hot. You're really good at those dials, baby. You're the most manipulating person I've ever seen. What's he eating? Is he turning into a monster? Frank: But you're just making things out of it. Don: Put it in your mouth then your eyes. Frank: You're getting hot, come on! The last that . . . " I don't like this page, it's not so funny . . .
[FZ:] What's the difference?
[Phyllis:] I don't like this page, it's not so funny. "Oh, this gets me hot! Oh, this gets me hot! Will get hot, I can get hot over it. Get hot over the hamburger, I can get it, you're getting hot, oh, am I hot over this hamburger! Think am I hot, for a hundred dollars you're getting hot, oh, am I hot, I'm so hot, I'm so hot from this hamburger, I'm hot."

[Phyllis:] Well, I'll just continue on with my work, I can't be thinking about such things, gets me too confused. I think I need a shower, I'm tired, I'm hot, the room air-conditioning is not working. If you don't pay the bills, how does the air-conditioning gonna work? I'm going.

[Massimo:] And now, dear friends, we are going to translate. This is my left hand.
[Phyllis:] This is . . .
[Meredith:] Violence!
[Stumuk:] This is my left hand, non?
[Meredith:] Violence! Ooh, I just, ooh!
[Guy From Alabama:] You have an orgasm?
[Aynsley:] No, but it just feels good!
[Guy From Alabama:] Can I watch?
[Don:] That's what we need, progress!
[Aynsley:] Actually I think that's uh, that's cool.
[Guy From Alabama:] Get the girl here in the red.
[Aynsley:] Yeah.
[Massimo:] Repeat after me: Questa e la mia mano destra
[Stumuk:] Questa e mia mano destra
[Don:] Progress!
[Phyllis:] Where's the prostate gland?
[Massimo:] Look out!
[Don:] Progress is our most important product.
[Massimo:] Guardalo che mangia! E mentre sta mangiando parlami mentre mangi. E chiedimi cosa sta facendo.
[Stumuk:] Parle mi.
[Massimo:] Che cosa sta facendo? Sta mangiando. Adesso chiedimi cosa sta facendo. Sta mangiando
[Stumuk:] Guarda sta fachendo!
[Massimo:] Ma non lo posso fare.
[Stumuk:] Sta mangiando!
[Massimo:] Me ne devo andare.
[Stumuk:] Mene debo ndare!
[Massimo:] Devo tornare.
[Stumuk:] Dere tocnare!
[Massimo:] Era un senatore a trentasette anni.
[Stumuk:] Era un senatore de setreste ano.

[Guy From Alabama:] What band being you playing in?
[Aynsley:] I played in a blues band.
[Guy From Alabama:] Blues band, so do I!
[Aynsley:] Blues.
[Guy From Alabama:] Blues!
[Aynsley:] Blues avant-garde, you know?
[Guy From Alabama:] Yeah, I know what you mean.

[Massimo:] And this is my last single.

[Phyllis:] Oh, what is he doing? You still carrying on with that song? It's the same thing? I can't, I can't do it anymore. I'm going to make these louder so I don't have to hear about him. Forget the past!
[Don:] I'm sure that it's going to be a hit single.
[Phyllis:] We're coming to the beginning of a new era, wherein the development of the inner self. But you, what do you do? You watch television and you play with "The Bun," driving me crazy. Leave me alone.
[Stumuk:] But this is twelve years later.
[Phyllis:] I know.
[Stumuk:] Have a new "Bun."
[Phyllis:] I know.
[Stumuk:] A better "Bun."
[Phyllis:] What kind of new "Bun"? You . . .
[Stumuk:] A brown "Bun."
[Phyllis:] Every year you tell me is a new "Bun," I'm tired of this. I'm gonna, I'm gonna give it all up, I'm gonna go back to New York, I'm tired of you already. Finish! I can't. No, no, no, no. Go! Can you stop me?

[FZ:] I wanna do another take of the same situation from the other side.
[Carl:] Let me go on the other side.
[FZ:] And Mr. Tishman, it's, you've gotta find . . .
[Phyllis:] When I remember this . . .
[FZ:] Yeah
[Carl:] Let me just see uh, "Bun."
[FZ:] Minnesota Tishman.
[Phyllis:] Right here.
[Carl:] Uh, give me the, give me . . . first . . .
[Phyllis:] I remember that guy . . .
[FZ:] Isn't he handsome?
[Phyllis:] Yeah.
[FZ:] He was using the chicken to measure it.
[Haskell Wexler:] Can I stop now, Frank?
[FZ:] Sure.
[Haskell Wexler:] Okay, cut the cam.
 
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"Uncle Remus"

"Uncle Remus"



Wo, are we movin' too slow?
Have you seen us,
Uncle Remus . . .
We look pretty sharp in these clothes (yes, we do)
Unless we get sprayed with a hose
It ain't bad in the day
If they squirt it your way
'Cept in the winter, when it's froze
An' it's hard if it hits
On yer nose
On yer nose

Just keep yer nose
To the grindstone, they say
Will that redeem us,
Uncle Remus . . .
I can't wait till my Fro is full-grown
I'll just throw 'way my Doo-Rag at home
I'll take a drive to BEVERLY HILLS
Just before dawn
An' knock the little jockeys
Off the rich people's lawn
An' before they get up
I'll be gone, I'll be gone
Before they get up
I'll be knocking the jockeys off the lawn
Down in the dew
 
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"Undaunted, The Band Plays On"

"Undaunted, The Band Plays On"


[FZ:] Meanwhile, the snack enters the mind of Dom DeWild.

[Ensemble:]
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ONE

[FZ:] It's the macro-biotic food.

[Don:] HA HA HA HA HA!

[Ensemble:] THREE! FOUR! . . . TWO! TWO!

[FZ:] While the well disciplined Ian Underwood plays his piano solo. Dom DeWild, transformed, begins to sneak up on him.

[Ensemble:] BOOH . . . BOOH . . . BOOH . . .
 
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"Valarie"

"Valarie"



La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la la

Although you don't want me no more
Oh, but it's alright, alright with me
'Cause you know, you're gonna want me some day
Yes, you will want me, and I'll run away

Oh, Valarie
(Valarie)
Valarie
(Valarie)
Valarie
Don't you want me?
Don't you need me?

Valarie
Valarie
Valarie
Valarie

Although you don't want me no more
Oh, but it's alright, it's alright with me
'Cause you know, you're gonna want me some day
Oh, you will want me, and I'll run away

Oh, Valarie
Valarie
Valarie
Valarie
 
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"Valley Girl"

"Valley Girl"



Valley Girl
She's a Valley Girl
Valley Girl
She's a Valley Girl
Okay, fine...
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a Valley Girl
In a clothing store
Okay, fine...
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a Valley Girl
In a clothing store

Like, OH MY GOD! (Valley Girl)
Like-TOTALLY (Valley Girl)
Enchino is like SO BITCHEN (Valley Girl)
There's like the Galleria (Valley Girl)
And like all these like really great shoe stores
I love going into like clothing stores and stuff
I like buy the neatest mini-skirts and stufl
It's like so BITCHEN cuz like everybody's like
Super-super nice...
It's like so BITCHEN..,

On Ventura, there she goes
She just bought some bitchen clothes
Tosses her head 'n flips her hair
She got a whole bunch of nothin' in there

Anyway, he goes are you into S and M?
I go, oh RIGHT...
Could you like just picture me in like a LEATHER TEDDY
Yeah right, HURT ME. HURT ME...
I'm sure! NO WAY'
He was like freaking me out...
He called me a BEASTIE...
That's cuz like he was totally BLITZED
He goes like BAG YOUR FACE'
I'm sure!

Valley Girl
She's a Valley Girl
Valley Girl
She's a Valley Girl
Okay. fine...
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a Valley Girl
So sweet 'n pure
Okay, fine...
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a Valley Girl
So sweet'n pure
It's really sad (Valley Girl)
Like my English teacher
He's like... (Valley Girl)
He's like Mr. BU-FU (Valley Girl)
We're talking Lord God King BU-FU (Valley Girl)
I am SO SURE
He's like so GROSS
He like sits there and like plays with all his rings
And he like flirts with all the guys in the class
It's like totally disgusting
I'm like so sure
It's like BARF ME OUT...
Gag me with a spoon!

Last idea to cross her mind
Had something to do with where to find
A pair of jeans to fit her butt
And where to get her toenails cut

So like I go into this like salon place, y'know
And I wanted like to get my toenails done
And the lady like goes., oh my God, your toenails
Are like so GRODY
It was like really embarassing
She's like OH MY GOD, like BAG THOSE TOENAILS
I'm like sure...
She goes, uh, I don't know if I can handle this, y'know.
I was like really embarassed...

Valley Girl
She's a Valley Girl
Valley Girl
She's a Valley Girl
Okay, fine
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a Valley Girl
And there is no cure
Okay, fine
Fer sure, fer sure
She's a Valley Girl
And there is no cure

Like my mother is like a total space cadet (Valley Girl)
She like makes me do the dishes and (Valley Girl)
CLEAN the cat box (Valley Girl)
I am sure
That's like GROSS (Valley Girl)
BARF OUT' (Valley Girl)
OH MY GOD (Valley Girl

Hi!
Uh-huh... (Valley Girl)
My name?
My name is Ondrya Wolfson (Valley Girl)
Uh-huh
That's right, Ondrya (Valley Girl)
Uh-huh .
I know (Valley Girl)
It's like ...
I do not talk funny ...
I'm sure (Valley Girl)
Whatsa matter with the way I talk? (Valley Girl)
I am a VAL, I know
But I live in like in a really good part of Encino so it's okay (Valley Girl)
So like, I don't know
I'm like freaking out totally
Oh my God!

Hi - I have to go to the orthodontist
I'm getting my braces off, y'know
But I have to wear a retainer
That's going to be really like a total bummer
I'm freaking out
I'm SURE
Like those things that like stick in your mouth
They're so gross ..
You like get saliva all over them
But like, I don't know, it's going to be cool,
 
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"Very Distraughtening"

"Very Distraughtening"


[includes a fragment of Ronnie Sings? and a quote from Merry-Go-Round (Fischer)]

[Ronnie Williams:] Ba-bah-bahdily
[Spider:] Oh!
[John:] That one again.
[Spider:] It's a little pig . . . with wings
[Pig With Wings:] EE . . .
[Gross Man:] I hear you've been having trouble with pigs and ponies!

[Left channel:]
[Calvin:] To . . . just the opposite . . . going around to the other direction

[Right channel:]
[Calvin:] How 'bout us, don't we get any?
[Gail:] We don't get any . . .
[Calvin:] That's very distraughtening
[Gail:] We don't get any because we're otherwise

[Spider:] Everything in the universe is . . . is . . . is made of one element, which is a note, a single note. Atoms are really vibrations, you know, which are extensions of THE BIG NOTE, everything's one note. Everything, even the ponies. The note, however, is the ultimate power, but see, the pigs don't know that, the ponies don't know that.
[Monica:] You mean just we know that?
[Spider:] Right!

[Spider:] "Merry Go Round! Merry Go Round! Do-Do-Do-Do Do-Do-Do Do-Do-Do!" and they called that "doing their thing."
[John:] Oh yeah, that's what doing your thing is!
[Spider:] The thing is to put a motor in yourself.
 
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"Village Of The Sun"

"Village Of The Sun"



Thank you . . . thank you very much . . . awright, does anybody here know where Palmdale is? You do? Good, do you, have you ever heard of a place called Sun Village? You, some, some of you know where Sun Village is, awright, it's out in back on Palmdale, awright. At one time, that used to be a, uh, big place for . . . raisin' turkeys, and, uh, I went to high school in Lancaster which is not far from, uh, from, uh, Palm . . . Oh! Is it very good for other things out there now? Good . . . (Ken, turn me up so they can hear what I'm saying) Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a song about this place where I used to live where they used to raise turkeys (ready . . . ?)

Goin' back home
To the Village of the Sun
Out in back of Palmdale
Where the turkey farmers run, I done
Made up my mind
And I know I'm gonna go to Sun
Village, good God I hope the
Wind don't blow

It take the paint off your car
And wreck your windshield too,
I don't know how the people stand it,
But I guess they do
Cause they're all still there,
Even Johnny Franklin too
In the Village of the Sun
Village of the Sun
Village of the Sun, son
(Sun Village to you-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo, well!)

Little Mary, and Teddy, and Thelma too, now
Where Palmdale Boulevard, wo!
Cuts on through
Past the Village Inn, well, & Barbecue now, yeah
(I heard it ain't there . . .
Well I hope it ain't true)
Where the stumblers gonna go
To watch the lights turn blue?
Where the stumblers gonna go
To watch the lights turn blue-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-wahhh?

Goin' back home
To the Village of the Sun
Out in back of Palmdale
Where the turkey farmers run, I done
Made up my mind
And I know I'm gonna go to Sun
Village, good God I hope the
Wind don't blow

It take the paint off your car
And wreck your windshield too,
I don't know how the people stand it,
But I guess they do
Cause they're all still there,
Even Johnny Franklin too
In the Village of the Sun
Village of the Sun
Village of the Sun, son
(Sun Village to you-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo, well!)
 
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"Wait A Minute"

"Wait A Minute"



Listen to him go!
Wait a minute; we gotta get somethin' real happenin' here
He's in there spendin' thousands of dollars 'n' shit...
We should make this worthwhile
We should
We should get into something REAL
Ho ho LEATHER!
No, man, he's not interested in Leather... shit
That shit's been fuckin' rubbed in the ground Hmmmm
Christ, that's goin' on two tours old now...
We gotta come up with some new shit ...
 
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"Watermelon In Easter Hay"

"Watermelon In Easter Hay"


[Act III]

[SCENE SEVENTEEN]
[WATERMELON IN EASTER HAY]

[CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER:]
This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...Joe has just worked himself into
an imaginary frenzy during the fade-out of his imaginary song...
He begins to feel depressed now. He knows the end is near. He has realized
at last that imaginary guitar notes and imaginary vocals exist only in the mind
of The Imaginer ...and ... ultimately, who gives a fuck anyway... Who gives a fuck
anyway? So he goes back to his ugly little room and quietly dreams his last
maginary guitar solo...
 
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