Frank Zappa

[fox69]

"Gross Man"

"Gross Man"


[Spider:] GROSS MAN!

 

[fox69]

"Half A Dozen Provocative Squats"

"Half A Dozen Provocative Squats"



The clock upon the wall
Has struck the midnight hour!
She finishes her call;
Her girlfriend's in the shower

Practisissing, Practiss, Practicing!

Half a dozen provocative squats!
Out of the shower, she squeezes her spots;
Brushes her teeth;
Shoots a deodorant spray up her twat . . .
(It's getting her, getting her
Hot-Oh-woh-woh-woh-woh-woh)
She's just twenty-four
And she can't get off,
A sad but typical case, yeah
Last dude to do her
Got in and got soft;
She blew it,
And laughed in his face, yeah!
Face, yeah!
Yeah

 

[fox69]

"Happy Together"

"Happy Together"


[Howard:] Say!

Imagine me and you,
I do,
I think about you day and night
It's only right,
To think about the girl you love
And hold her tight,
So happy together

If I should call you up,
(Call you up)
Invest a dime
And you say you belong to me,
(Ease my mind)
And ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be,
(Very fine)
So very fine,
So happy together

[Mark:] Just like a big rock show, if you wanna sing along . . .

I can't see me lovin' nobody but you for all my life
When you're with me, baby,
The skies will be blue for all my life

[Mark:] Everybody sing along like a big rock show, come on!

Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa

Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa

One more time!

Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Pa pa pa pa

[FZ:] We'd like to thank you very much for comin' to our concert tonight . . . I know that ah . . . uh-hum . . . in a way it's sad that Bill Graham is closin' down the Fillmore, but ah . . . I'm sure he'll get into somethin' better . . . It's been lovely, workin' for you this evenin' . . . good night . . .

Good night . . .
(Good night, good night . . . )
Good night, boys and girls!
(Good night, good night . . . )
Good night, good night, boys and girls!
Good . . . night . . .
Good night, boys and girls!

 

[fox69]

"Harder Than Your Husband"

"Harder Than Your Husband"



We must say good-bye
There's no need for you to cry
It's better that I tell you this tonight
Our affair has been quite heated
You thought I was what you needed
But the time has come, my darlin'
To set things right, 'cause

I'll be harder than yer husband
To get along with
Harder than yer husband every night
Harder than yer husband
Harder than yer husband
An' I don't want our love affair
To end with a fight

You been like a little angel
How you loved me
I appreciate the warmth of your embrace
Well, the world don't need to know
How I adored you
But there's somethin' I must tell you, darlin'
Face to face. . .

I'll be harder than yer husband
To get along with
Harder than yer husband every night
Harder than yer husband
Harder than yer husband
An' I don't want our love affair
To end with a fight

So, it's adios, adios, my little darlin'
(Adios my little darlin'. . .)
Gotta go now. . .
Keep that hankie that I gave you for when you cry
There are things that trouble me
And I'm sure that you must see
That it breaks my heart the same as yours
When we say good-bye

Harder than yer husband
Harder than yer. . .much, much, much
Harder than yer husband
Harder than yer. . .much, much, much
Harder than yer husband
Harder than yer.. .much, much, much
Harder than yer husband
Harder than yer.. .

 

[fox69]

"Harry & Rhonda"

"Harry & Rhonda"


[Rhonda:]
[stage whisper]

HARRY, this is not DREAM GIRLS!

[Harry:]
[stage whisper]

They told me it had c-c-colored folk in it, RHONDA, and that's ALWAYS a sure sign of GOOD, SOLID, MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT! How was I supposed to know they'd be this ugly?

[Rhonda:]
They pissed on us, HARRY! They fuckin' pissed on us! Look at my fox!

[Harry:]
I know, dear . . . but they pissed on me too . . . he did say they were INCONTINENT!

[Rhonda:]
Just smell this! I think we should get out of here before they do something else to us!

[Harry:]
Leave? Now? At these ticket prices? Just hold your horses . . . it probably wasn't REAL PISS . . . only 'theater piss' . . . they probably have a formula . . . some special stuff . . . comes right outta the fur with Woolite.

[Rhonda:]
What's happened to Broadway, HARRY? Used to be you could come to one of these things and the wind would be RUSHING DOWN THE PLAIN or a fairy on a string would go over the audience . . . but NOW! Harry, I ask you: is THIS entertainment?

[Harry:]
You're absolutely correct, dear! So far we haven't seen a single good-looking pair of legs . . . a single sequin-encrusted whatchamacallit . . . no firm, rounded breasts! This show is a DISASTER, RHONDA! A complete and utter DISASTER!

[Thing-Fish:]
Mmmm! Say dere . . . hey! Umm-hmm! Thass right! HEY YOU! You two ugly white folks . . . over heahhh!

As you know, de presence of carboniferous hard-core unemployables has gen'rally, in de historical past, GUARANTEED an evenin' of upliftin' FROLIC and CAVORTMENT . . . it'd be a shame fo y'all t'miss out on dis here one! Got some nice chairs fo' ya, rights ovuh heahhh.

[Harry:]
Uhhh . . . beg pardon? What's going on here?

[Rhonda:]
Oh! They're touching me! HARRY! HARRY! HARRY! HARRY, do something! THEY'RE PUTTING CHAINS ON ME! I'LL BE STUCK TO THE CHAIR! Oh! What'll I do? I'LL MISS INTERMISSION!

[Harry:]
They're only 'theater chains', RHONDA! Just some sort of . . .

[Rhonda:]
THESE ARE REAL GODDAM CHAINS, HARRY, AND THEY'RE NOT GONNA COME OFF WITH WOOLITE!

[Harry:]
I don't mind the way they feel . . . they don't bother me, honey . . . relax! Go with the flow . . .

[Rhonda:]
HARRY, YOU ARE AN OVER-EDUCATED SHIT-HEAD!

[Thing-Fish:]
Look here, folks . . . dis only fo yo own protexium! Once we gets rollin' heah, things be happnin' all over de place dat could prove dangerous to persons not previously acquainted wit de SAN QUENTIM MASH- POTATOES!

[Rhonda:]
I want the wind to come rushing down the plain! I want fairies on a string over the audience! I want REAL BROADWAY ENTERTAINMENT! Feathers! Spot-lights! Guilt! Hours upon hours of GUILT! About my mother! About my father! About brave women, suffering at the hands of infantile, insensitive, dominating men! And what do I get? A Potato-headed jig-a-boo with Catholic clothes on! Incomprehensible duck lips! Weak bladders draining through abnorminably large organs! Jesus, HARRY! What the FUCK is going on here?

[Harry:]
Simmer down! If you'll just roll with the punches . . . and don't rock the boat, I'm sure we'll have a lovely evening at the theater!

[Thing-Fish:]
Thass right! We got fairies on a string fo yo ass jes' a little later! Meanwhile, I b'lieves y'all requires some updatement on de CO-LOG-NUH situatium! Sister OB'DEWLLA 'X'! Express yo'seff!

 

[fox69]

"Harry, You're A Beast"

"Harry, You're A Beast"



I'm gonna tell you the way it is
And I'm not gonna be kind or easy
Your whole attitude stinks, I say
And the life you lead is completely empty

You paint your head
Your mind is dead
You don't even know what I just said

THAT'S YOU: AMERICAN WOMANHOOD!

You're phony on top
You're phony underneath
You lay in bed & grit your teeth

MADGE, I WANT YOUR BODY!
HARRY, GET BACK!
MADGE, IT'S NOT MERELY PHYSICAL!
HARRY, YOU'RE A BEAST!

Don't come in me, in me
Don't come in me, in me
Don't come in me, in me
Don't come in me, in me

MADGE, I . . . MADGE . . . I COULDN'T HELP IT . . .
I . . . DOGGONE IT!

 

[fox69]

"Harry-As-A-Boy"

"Harry-As-A-Boy"


[FZ synclavier]

[Rhonda:]
HARRY! HARRY, is that YOU as a BOY?

[Harry:]
Why, it MUST be! He's so charming and sweet and likeable!

[Thing-Fish:]
HARRY-AS-A-BOY, c'mon over 'n say a few words to de nice peoples!

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
Hi, folks! Nice to be here!

[Thing-Fish:]
I's sure dere be lotsa folks like to know what yo' plans are . . . how y'intend t'be gwine about dis uncredibly serious bidniss o' GROWIN' UP IN ERMERICA!

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
Well, I plan on making a few mistakes, having my heart broken and so forth, using all kinds of drugs, and turning gay as soon as possible in order to accelerate my rise to the 'top of the heap.'

[Thing-Fish:]
Ahh! Tremenjous, HARRY-AS-A-BOY, simply tre-MENJOUS! You practicin' up fo it wit anybody in po-ticlar now?

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
I can't afford to study with anyone yet, since the bulk of my allowance goes for glue and Grateful Dead tickets, but soon I hope to be on my knees in a REAL HOMO BATH HOUSE . . . maybe when my folks go on vacation.

[Thing-Fish:]
Ain't you de clever one! Tell us, HARRY-AS-A-BOY, howdja recide upon dis heah life-style bein' DE ONE FO YOU?

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
It was pretty simple, really. I lost all desire for intercourse with females when they started carrying those briefcases and wearing suits 'n ties.

[Rhonda:]
WHAT?

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
Let's face it: that would be like fucking a slightly more voluptuous version of somebody's father! 'N I'm far too sensitive for such a traumatic experience!

[Thing-Fish:]
You means DE WOMENS' LIBROMATION MOVENINT done created de uncontrollable urgement to play dingle-dangle-dingle wit de personal requipment of yo own gender?

[Harry-As-A-Boy:]
To a degree . . . I mean . . . look, I'm not stupid! I know it's all a thoroughly workable government-sponsored program to control the Population Explosion, and, just like every other AMERICAN, I'm too concerned with MY OWN personal health and well being to think of devoting any of MY precious time to something as boring as 'REPRODUCTION'!

[Rhonda:]
HARRY, I used to think you were merely an OVER-EDUCATED SHIT-HEAD, but now that I finally have proof, it's going to give me GREAT PLEASURE to refer to you as an OVER-EDUCATED COCKSUCKER!

[Harry:]
Well, to be honest with you, dearest, I sort of . . . gulp, gulp . . .

[Rhonda:]
Where's the fairies on a string, HARRY? Huh? Riddle me this!

[Thing-Fish:]
Easy there, white folks! I told y'all'd be gettin' yo' fairies after while, 'n y'know dat sort o' thing take a little time to woik up to in yo' BROADWAY SITCHYATIUM! MAMMYS step faw'd 'n hep de lil' cocksucker out!

 

[fox69]

"He Used To Cut The Grass"

"He Used To Cut The Grass"


[Act III]

[SCENE FIFTEEN]
[HE USED TO CUT THE GRASS]

[JOE: (to himself as he walks out of prison)]
I'm out at last
Boy, the world sure looks different
Wow... there's hardly anything fun to do
Since they made music illegal
But I'm hooked I got the habit
I got to have it
I need to play
But theres no musicians anymore
They're all gone
Wait!
I've got it!
I'll be sullen and withdrawn
I'll dwindle off into the twilight realm
Of my own secret thoughts
I'll walk through the parking lot
In a semi-catatonic state
And dream of guitar notes
To go with the loading-zone announcements.

JOE wanders through the world which by then has been totally epoxied over,
carefully organized, with everyone reporting daily to his or her appointed place in
a line somewhere in front of a window somewhere in a building somewhere in order
to collect his or her welfare check, which, when cashed, made it possible for the young
ones to continue the payments for the obsolete and irreparable appliances their
parents had purchased on the installment plan years ago, providing as security
the future incomes of their children. The rest of these checks were used by the young
recipients to buy fun things of their own on credit, most of which broke down or failed
within moments of purchase and seemed to be stacking up everywhere.

[CENTRAL SCRUTINEER:]
The White Zone is for loading or unloading only.
If you gotta load or unload, go to the White Zone.
You'll love it.
Its a way of life.

As JOE stumbles over mounds of dead consumer goods formed into abstract statues
ded-icated to the Quality of American Craftsmanship, dreaming his stupid little guitar
notes, he hears, somewhere in the back of his head, the voice of MRS. BORG,
taunting him:

[Mrs. BORG'S VOICE:]
Turn it down!
Turn it down!
I have children sleeping here!
Don't you boys know any nice songs?
I m calling the police!
I did it!
They'll be here... shortly!
I in not joking around anymore!
You'll see now!
There they are... they're coining!
Just listen to that mess, would you!
Every day this goes on around here!
He used to cut my grass...
He was a very nice boy...
He used to cut my grass...
He was a very nice boy...
He used to cut my grass...
He was a very nice boy...
He used to cut my grass...
He was a very nice boy...

[CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER:]
This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER... Yes...he used to be a nice boy. ..He used to cut
the grass.. .But now his mind is totally destroyed by music. Hes so crazy now he even
believes that people are writing articles and reviews about his imaginary guitar notes,
and so, continuing to dwindle in the twilight realm of his own secret thoughts, he not only
dreams imaginary guitar notes, but, to make matters worse, he dreams imaginary vocal
parts to a song about the imaginary journalistic profession...

 

[fox69]

"He's Right"

"He's Right"


[Kensington Palace Hotel
1st script reading of "200 Motels"
January 18, 1971]

[Mark:] Howard, he's right! Ha ha ha!
[Howard:] I know he is, you might as well admit it too, Simmons
[Jeff:] Alright, it's pathetic, he's making me do this, I can't help myself, suicide is imminent
[Mark:] By the time we actually get to doing this, man, it'll just be two reels

 

[fox69]

"He's So Gay"

"He's So Gay"


[includes a quote from Do You Really Want To Hurt Me (Hay/Moss/Craig/O'Dowd)]

[Ensemble: (singing)]
He's so gay
(He's so gay)
He's very very gay
He's so gay
(He's gay)

[Brown Moses:]
Yes, he is
I guess he likes it
Yeah

[Ensemble:]
And he likes to be that way
With his keys on the right

[Brown Moses:]
Uh-huh

[Ensemble:]
He's into rubber every night

[Brown Moses:]
Into . . . into rubber?
Wha . . . the boy's into rubber every night!

[Ensemble:]
He's so gay
He's so gay

[Brown Moses:]
Oh, my goodness
Whoo . . .

[Ensemble:]
He's ALMOST EVERYONE TODAY

He's okay
He's okay

[Brown Moses:]
Yeah, that's what they say

[Ensemble:]
He's got a role he wants to play

[Brown Moses:]
Aww . . . look, have you ever SMELLED rubber?

[Ensemble:]
He's okay
He's okay

[Brown Moses:]
I guess it's okay, l-look at his woman, yeah . . .
I-I guess it's all right

[Ensemble:]
He's just a cowboy for a day

[Brown Moses:]
Mm-hmm

[Ensemble:]
Of course, his evening's not complete

[Brown Moses:]
Uh-huh

[Ensemble:]
Without some meat in the seat;

[Brown Moses:]
Don't tell me that

[Ensemble:]
Let's skate away
Down Santa Monica today
(Well well well)

Maybe he wants a little spanking

[Brown Moses:]
Uh . . . a spanking?

[Ensemble:]
Maybe he'll eat a little chain

[Brown Moses:]
Uh . . . well, eat the chain

[Ensemble:]
Maybe his lover should be thanking him

[Brown Moses:]
Uh-huh

[Ensemble:]
For the way he makes it sprinkle

[Brown Moses:]
Wait a minute . . .
Wh . . .

[Ensemble:]
Into drops of GOLDEN RAIN

[Brown Moses:]
M . . . makin' into rai . . . ?
Oh no!
What is the problem?
Uh-oh
UHH-OHh

[Ensemble:]
He's so gay
He's so gay

[Brown Moses:]
Yeah, that's what it is

[Ensemble:]
He rules the city in a way

[Brown Moses:]
Ohh boy . . .

[Ensemble:]
You could say
(You could say)

[Brown Moses:]
Wha . . . what could ya say?

[Ensemble:]
It's sorta different today

[Brown Moses:]
I agree

[Ensemble:]
All the taffeta and chintz

[Brown Moses:]
Uh . . . 'least the boy ain't gonna reproduce hisself again

[Ensemble:]
And every Leather Boy's a PRINCE

[Brown Moses:]
Uh-huh

[Ensemble:]
Hey hey hey!

[Brown Moses:]
Hey hey hey . . .

[Ensemble:]
Please don't look the other way

You could be just like him
TOMORROW!

[Brown Moses:]
Hoooo, that's shockin'!

[Ensemble:]
Mah-mah-mah-mah-mah-mah

[Brown Moses:]
Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh
Ooof!

[Ensemble:]
Maybe you'll get a chance

[Brown Moses:]
I'm telling ya

[Ensemble:]
To borrow
(Borrow)

[Brown Moses:]
What I'm a borrow?

[Ensemble:]
His bouquet

[Brown Moses:]
No way!

[Ensemble:]
And maybe later . . .

[Brown Moses:]
Don't you tell me this

[Ensemble:]
MAYBE LATER

[Brown Moses:]
I said don't you tell me this!

[Ensemble:]
We'll ALL BE
GAY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y!

[Brown Moses:]
No! No! No!
Oh, gay . . .

[Ensemble:]
DO YOU REALLY WANNA HURT ME?

[Brown Moses:]
You just did!

[FZ:]
MOO-AHHH!