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""The Pigs' Music""

""The Pigs' Music""

[FZ:] Tonight you guys are going to try and figure out the pigs' music
[Spider:] You see if we understood it, maybe we could help the pigs understand
[John:] Nah, the problem with that is you think the pigs are essentially kind at heart . . .
[Spider:] Aw, I didn't say that . . .
[John:] But the pigs are essentially pigs

[John:] If we could either move the smoke or if we turn the cold light on it and shrink it so they can't even salute it . . .
[Spider:] It's . . . it's really . . . It's sort of the opposite event. You see it was a long time ago when Pigs and Ponies used to inter-breed with people on farms . . . and they reached a state where . . . where like the pigs were . . . communicable. They brought 'em in and tried . . . tried to teach them things. They're just as likely to live in the ocean as anywhere else . . . Wouldn't get rid of them, really. Just means that the ocean would be just as unsafe as every other place. That's what happened. Ya know, they tried to put 'em places where they wouldn't make it, but they made it anyway
[John:] They wanted to use yaks, too
[Pig With Wings:] EE . . . EE . . . EE . . . EE
[Spider:] What's that?
[John:] That's the Pig with Wings
""There's No Lust In Jazz""

""There's No Lust In Jazz""

Okay, it's, uh, just about time, you guys, what d'you say?
Uh . . .
Rolling . . . Frank is rolling
Rolling? It's rolling . . . ?
Test two
Test . . . three
Oh, now this is what I call brotherly love
Man, chics are really harm, man. Now there are tits
Hey you're taking between that baby [?]
Aaaaah . . .
No stopping!
Oh, I'm telling you . . .
There is a chic where I'm hung
Oh yes . . . And she enjoys every moment
She wants you Dick
She's waiting for your big . . .
Now listen
She said give me the guy with the throb
Oh . . . really?
Okay, enough
What can you say?
See you later
See, this is what happens when you join up a rock group, George, get off that jazz syndrome . . . there's no lust in jazz
""This Ain't CNN""

""This Ain't CNN""

[Ali:] I bin grad nei' kimma, und do hob I g'sehn, da? . . .
[Stefan:] Ah, Bayern raus!
[Mike:] This ain't the U.N., man!
[Daryl:] Scusate un po'. Io non ho capito un cazzo
[Mike:] Hey, yo man!
[Ali:] Versteh' kein Wort, I bin jetzt in dem Klavier herinna, und's klingt so komisch . . .
[Bill:] Die spreekt geen normal taal.
[Mike:] This ain't CNN
[Moon:] Am I the only girl in here?
[Stefan:] Uh, huh . . .
[Moon:] It is dark and I am nervous . . .
[Mike:] Hey, hey, hey! She's with me, champ!
[Franck:] Turlututu, chapeau pointu.
[Daryl:] A me non importa da dove viene, a me non importa da dove sta andando.
[Ali:] Da kimmt ma' scho rum in dies'm Klavier, gell?
[Moon:] Honey, I don't like this . . .
[Mike:] Hey, yo, my man, my fists speak English!
[Ali:] I ned, I ned! Wenn I red, red scho' bay'risch . . .
[Stefan:] Oh, God . . .
[Franck:] . . . you think that English is the only . . . each language in the world . . .
[More mumbling and laughing among themselves]
[Svoboda:] Bevor Ich hier herein gekommen bin, hab Ich ein Pastrami Sandwich gegessen, das war tierisch gut . . .
[Bill:] This . . . this guy . . . this guy wants something to eat, man
[Moon:] I understood "pastrami sandwich"
[Ali:] Gebt's ihm ein Pony, gebt's ihm doch ein Pony . . .
[Mike:] In the brochure, they said that there was a good room service here
[Moon:] They said 24-hour room service . . .
[Daryl:] Did they give you a number?
[Moon:] Just dial the operator and they can tell us
[Daryl:] . . . the right information . . .
[Mike:] I haven't gotten an operator since I came here . . . excuse me . . . I asked you a couple a . . .
[Moon:] Can you put . . .
[Mike:] Excuse me . . . where's the pay phone?
[Svoboda:] Pay phone . . .
[Mike:] Pay phone
[Moon:] . . . We don't need . . .
[Bill and Ali:] Pay phone
[Mike:] How we gonna get the room service without the pay phone?
[Svoboda:] Pay phone . . . pay phone
[Franck:] Telephone de payer
[Ali:] De payer? . . . Ah - Ein Zahltelefon!
[Hermann:] Telefonkarte. Qualitat und Sicherheit aus einer Hand
[Bill:] This guy doesn't even know what a pay phone is! What the hell is he doing here in the first place?
[Hermann:] Wir sind Deutschlands Kommunikationsgesellschaft.
[Ali:] Gestern waren wir, fruhstucken, mittagessen . . .
[Hermann:] 30 11 03 1 1 4 3 6, Qualitat aus einer Hand . . . Telekom.
[Mike:] Excuse me, we paid money . . . heh . . . to be alone . . . wit' some privacy . . .
[Bill:] Well that's just too bad. Uh, you could be alone someplace else
[Mike:] Hey, don't give me attitude
[Daryl:] Well, I guess we're supposed to move over
[Stefan:] Yeah, OK, let's move over a little bit
[Mike:] You're in my space, man!
[Moon:] Ow! Please . . . this is ridiculous
[Daryl:] Excuse me, no, there was a gun before here and . . .
[Moon:] Who? Did they leave a number we can call?
[Daryl:] Before these guys got here there was . . .
[Svoboda: (Laughs)]
[Mike:] Excuse me . . . Yo . . . Yo . . . you know where the phone is at, man?
[Daryl:] No, there was a gun here and . . .
[Mike:] Yo, I don't want trouble
[Franck:] If you want trouble, buy a drum, yeah?
[Moon:] . . . I know that this can all be worked out and . . .
[Mike:] Now . . . we don't gotta . . . we don't gotta go anywhere, sweetheart
[Moon:] No, but listen . . . listen . . . They told us we'd be alone and it seems that everyone is listening to us . . .
[Mike:] Who? This guy over here . . .
[Bill:] That's right. That's right, we're listening
[Mike:] What are you, a tough guy? I'm tough! I'm tough!
[Moon:] Honey. Honey
[Bill:] That's just the way it is. You can get tough all you want
[Moon:] OK . . . OK . . . let's all . . .
[Mike:] Well, maybe we should try to work this out together, but I know I want my space, champ!
[Daryl:] What do you mean? You bought this space?
[Moon:] This always happens. I don't understand . . .
[Mike:] That's right, I bought this space. You got a problem wit dat?
[Daryl:] Well, you know, it sort of feels like my space. I don't know . . .
[Moon:] You know what this feels like? I mean, yeah, why don't we buy the swamp land too?
[Mike:] Nobody said nothin' when y'all bought my people, right?
[Stefan:] Who's having this loud voice in this little grand piano?
[Daryl:] . . . a bit out of . . .
[Mike:] N.W.A., rap, hip-hop, the new thing, "Yo MTV Raps"
[Stefan:] Sonate, that's music
[Mike:] So who?
[Stefan:] Mozart, Alter . . . Mozart sach' ich, Alter
[Mike:] I like Public Enemy
[Stefan:] I like Mondschein Sonate
[Mike:] I like Brand Nubians, Big Daddy Kane
[Ali:] Des klingt so grauenhaft, des mecht I fei nimmer horn . . .
[Moon:] Whatever he said, ditto. I don't understand but . . . I . . . I . . . feel that he said something I would probably approve of
""This Is All Wrong""

""This Is All Wrong""

[Artis the Spoonman spoons]

[Moon:] This is all wrong. This is all wrong
[FZ:] The pigs run the city, the ponies run the TV station and you wanted to apply for a job
[Spider:] Some of them wear these jackets that are made out of polished animal skins. It's called leather
[John:] Leather?
[Monica:] Oh, and their tight black pants
[Spider:] It's sort of like plastic, only it's made out of animals
[Larry:] It's sad, ain't it?
[Monica:] Yeah
[Larry:] Um, you can't win 'em all
[Moon:] Oh!
[Mike:] Sweetheart . . .
[Moon:] What?
[Mike:] If we go to the . . . we could probably be alone
[Moon:] Yeah
[Ali:] Wo?
[Moon:] . . . could drink coffee . . .
[Ali:] Ja! Kaffe war a scho guat, aba des is a Klavier . . .
[Mike:] I want some soul food . . .
[Moon:] . . . it's a heartbeat and it feels like a . . .
[Mike:] Have you seen "Jungle Fever"?
[Moon:] . . . a big . . .
[Ali:] Ha, ha gordum once, sinemaya gittim ben . . .
[Mike:] "Jungle Fever." The girl with the big butt?
[Ali:] Bak, bu piyanonun icinde nereden sinema buldun sen?
[Moon:] This must have been what the brochure was talking about. They said you'd . . . you'd feel a . . . a kind of a serenity . . . a feeling of peace of . . . of . . .
[Mike:] Hey, why, why don't you shut up?!
[Ali:] Cocuklar, siz saatlerce kahveden birsey anlatiyorsunuz, ama burada . . . ah, bunlarda acayip sarkilar soyluyorlar . . . acayip, degilmi? Yagmurda basliyor . . .
[Moon:] . . . entering into a different realm . . . I can't remember the name of it . . .
[Mike:] Hey, yo man . . . I don't like all this waterfall action
[Moon:] . . . and I guess that's where most of the part of it's . . . I . . . guess it's all about resolving past crime and everything . . . and . . . also . . . about . . .
[Ali:] Bence . . .
[Mike:] Hey, yo, hey . . . this ain't the "Blue Lagoon"! What the hell . . . this ain't "I Dream of Jeanie"
[Ali:] Bu pianonun icinde bir . . . meyhane gibi birsey yapmak lazim, yani, piano guzel bir sey ama, . . . bende seni hic anlamiyorum abi . . .
[Mike:] What? Man, man, I'm gonna close off communications if you don't start speaking the language, Jack!
""This Is Neat""

""This Is Neat""

[Howard:] This is neat!
[Jeff:] Spending a night in the motel
[Howard:] This is about the neatest Holiday Inn I've seen in days.
The rooms are in Foon's name, hey? Look at that, wild coyotes!
[FZ:] Ha ha ha ha!
[Mark:] Okay, uh, you guys are gonna wait while I go in and check?
[FZ:] Yeah, you're the straightest looking member, so
[Howard:] Really, why don't you go in and see if you . . .
[Mark:] Yeah, man, right over there, right behind that car
[Howard:] Singles!
[Mark:] They're already set up that way, sure
[Howard:] Oh. Good.
""This Is Phaze III""

""This Is Phaze III""

[includes a quote from Merry-Go-Round (Fischer)]

[Spider:] This is Phaze III. This is also . . .
[John:] Well, get through Phaze I & II first.
[Spider:] Alright, alright. Here's Phaze I . . .
[FZ:] The audience sits inside of a big piano and they listen to it grow.
[Spider:] People are going to sit inside of a piano. They're going to listen to this piano grow.
[John:] They're going to listen to the piano grow?
[Spider:] Listen!
[Monica:] This is going to turn into a . . .
[Spider:] It's going to turn into another Haight-Ashbury. Remember how we commercialized on that scene?
[John:] That was a relly good move.
[Monica:] Oh! That was a confession.
[Spider:] Right, man . . . and all it was was like people sitting in doorways freaking out tourists going "Merry Go Round! Merry Go Round! Do-Do-Do-Do Do-Do-Do- Do-Do-Do!" and they called that "doing their thing."
[John:] Oh yeah, that's what doing your thing is!
[Spider:] The thing is to put a motor in yourself
""You There, With The Hard On!""

""You There, With The Hard On!""

[Howard:] You, you there with the hard on!
[FZ:] With the hard on the little napkin in the small pocket mirror, would you please rise . . .
[Mark:] Brian Hyland, ladies and gentlemen!
[Howard:] Sit down, Aynsley! Not you
[?:] Shut up!
[FZ:] Ready?
[Mark:] Yes
[FZ:] Quick! Before these people (beware)
""You're Just Insultin' Me, Aren't You!""

""You're Just Insultin' Me, Aren't You!""

[Mike:] You're just insulting me, aren't you? It's not funny, man
[Ali:] . . . tabii ya, tabii, tabii . . . eh, eh . . .
[Mike:] It's not funny . . . It ain't funny. He's just been talking about me for ten minutes
[Moon:] . . . be alone . . . with yourself inside a piano or . . . whatever . . . your piano . . . it's . . . it's really a metaphor for that . . . that spirit . . . that feeling of oneness . . .
[Ali:] Siz saatlerce, saatlerce konusuyorsunuz burada, yani, . . . artik biktim burasindan, be! Oturup boyle birsey . . . birsey bulsak da biz simidi, yani . . .
[Moon:] It's, It's . . . it's . . . fulfillment . . .
[Mike:] Fulfillment. I got something fulfilling, baby
[Moon:] The sages talk about this . . .
[Ali:] . . . sen soyleme . . .
[Mike:] Hey, yo my man . . . Hey, yo my man . . . worrrr d'up man . . . worrrrr d'up!
[Ali:] Des is a piano
[Mike:] This is a piano
[Ali:] Des is a piano
[Todd:] And why are we in it?
[Ali:] Des is a piano
[Mike:] A piano!
[Ali:] A piano . . . des is a piano . . .
[Mike:] Piano!
[Ali:] Klavier
[Todd:] Oh! I thought it was the men's room . . .
[Mike:] Piano!
[Moon:] Piano
[Ali:] Das es kein Computer
[Mike:] This ain't a computer!
[Ali:] Das es kein Computer! I sag des so oft, bis die des merken, verstehst . . .
[Moon:] Piano . . . that's a beautiful word. It can take you to that place inside yourself where you . . .
[Mike:] You still talking about the place but you ain't thinking about dis place: the piano!
[Todd:] Piano! Piano!
[Moon:] What I'm saying is that it doesn't matter how you get here

[Gilly:] That's it exactly, I guess. About Tom, no, no but to me all different . . . um . . . but I guess Tom was a human-is a human being with . . . feelings and sorrows and happinesses, as everyone else, but Tom would only show me so much
[Spider:] But is this a pregnant sow before me?
[Spider:] By the sound of the snork, I would gesture to say . . . I find myself turning into a pony
"200 Years Old"

"200 Years Old"

I was sittin' in a breakfast room in Allentown, Pennsylvania,
six o'clock in the morning, got up too early, it was a terrible mistake...
sittin' there face-to-face with a 75 cent glass of orange juice
about as big as my finger and a bowl of horribly foreshortened cornflakes,
and I said to myself: "This is the life!" . . .

She's two hundred years old
So mean she couldn't grow no lips
Boy, she'd be in trouble if she
Tried to grow a mustache

She's two hundred years old
Squattin' down & pockin' up
In front of the juke box
Like she had true religion, boy
Like she had true religion

She's two hundred years old
Hoy hoy, 200 years old
Half of this, none of that,
One-fifty oh squattin'
Yeah-ah, ain't she got
Religion now, boy


Well, my dandruff is loose
An' my breath is chartreuse
I know I ain't cute
An' my voice is ka-poot

But that's awright people
I'm just crazy enough to sing to you
Any old way

I figure the odds be fifty-fifty
I just might have some thing to say

Ain't gonna sing you no love song
How my heart is all sore
Will not beg your indulgence
'Cause you heard it before

An' that's awright people
I'm just crazy enough to sing to you
Any old way

I figure the odds be fifty-fifty
I just might have some thing to say
Ants in my pants!

I have taken your time
I have sung you my song
Ain't no great revelation
But it wasn't too long

An' that's awright people
I'm just crazy enough to sing to you
Any old way, ha ha!

I figure the odds be fifty-fifty
I just might have some thing to say