Frank Zappa

[fox69]

"Our Bizarre Relationship"

"Our Bizarre Relationship"


[FZ:] Bizarre!
[Suzy:] Bizarre . . . ha ha!
No-one could ever understand our bizarre relationship because I was your intellectual frigid housekeeper.
Especially when you'd be going to bed with one chick at night and I wake up in the morning and find another one there, screaming at me . . . ha ha . . . Asked me what the fuck that chick was doing in your bed and I'd walk in and you weren't with the same one you were in the night before.
Oh, I'll never forget that, as long as I live.
That house, well it had your shit all over . . . and we had a cat and we had fleas and we had lots of crabs that we proceeded to give to everyone in Laurel Canyon except for Elmer and Phil, because they were too sick to ball . . . ha ha . . . Elmer has a mentality of approximately One Peanut. Possibly.
As a matter of fact, I can remember Elmer telling me that you really had a lot of talent, but he didn't see how anyone could ever make it that insisted on saying FUCK on stage.
And he used to drive by in his gold Cadillac and peer in the window . . . ha ha . . . 'Cause he never could get over the amount of groupie status that, that you had and he didn't. Possibly because he's 50 years old and wretched . . .
[FZ:] HA HA HA!

 

[fox69]

"Outside Now"

"Outside Now"


[Act II]

[SCENE FOURTEEN]
[OUTSIDE NOW]

[JOE: (somewhat exhausted)]
These executives have plooked the fuck out of me
And there's still a long time to go before I've
Paid my debt to society
And all I ever really wanted to do was
Play the guitar 'n bend the string like
Reent-toont-teent-toont-teenooneenoonee
I've got it
I'll be sullen and withdrawn
I'll dwindle off into the twilight realm
Of my own secret thoughts
I'll lay on my back here 'til dawn
In a semi-catatonic state
And dream of guitar notes
That would irritate
An executive kinda guy...

And sure enough JOE dreams up a few of those guitar notes
that every executive despises...those low ones...every exec
knows it's only the records with the high squeally ones that
get to be hits (except for Duane Eddy)...

Well, I guess that one did the trick
If they only coulda heard it
Half-a-dozen of em woulda strangled
While they was suckin on each others' dick
But that was just a bunch of imaginary
Notes I played
Just a little extra somethin'
To keep me goin from day to day
That's okay
I'll be gettin outta here pretty soon
Then I won't have to live
In this ugly fuckin room
Can't wait to see
I can't wait to see what it's like
On the outside now...
[etc., etc., etc.]

And JOE just lays there, dreaming imaginary guitar notes for years
on end, until finally they let him out...

 

[fox69]

"Packard Goose"

"Packard Goose"


[Act III]

[SCENE SIXTEEN]
[PACKARD GOOSE]

[JOE: (clutching the hood ornament of an ancient car)]
Maybe you thought
I was the Packard Goose
Or the Ronald MacDonald of the nouveau-abstruse
Well fuck all them people, I don't need no excuse
For being what I am
Do you hear me, then?
All them rock n roll writers is the worst kind of sleaze
Selling punk like some new kind ol English disease
Is that the wave of the future? Aw, spare me please!

Oh no, you gotta go
Who do you write for?
I wan u a know
I believe you is the governments whore
And keeping peoples dumb is where you're
C'oming from
And keeping peoples dumb is where you're coming from
Fuck all them writers with the pen in their hand
I will be more specific so they might understand
They can all kiss my ass
But because its so grand
They best just stay away

Hey, hey, hey
Hey, Joe, who did you blow?

 

[fox69]

"Panty Rap"

"Panty Rap"



"Hello there, welcome to the show. No, we are not going
to play 'Cheepnis'- that's right-but we are collecting underpants,
and we are collecting brassieres, we are collecting small articles
of feminine underclothing. We are making a quilt... really-trust me.
So here's the deal, if you're a girl and you're wearing a dress,
whip'em off, that's it, see? No problem. Even with a pin... what
does it say? 'Nobody's perfect.' I guess so... What we got here?
Oh. Now let's see what's on the inside. Uh huh, trainer coos.
Okay. S'more s'more ... Underpants, brassieres, just send 'em up,
no problem. Oh, you'll warm up to it. If you're wearing pants and
you have bikinis on underneath your pants, rip the edges and
pull 'em out; if you're wearing those big old ugly cotton jobs go to
the toilet and take 'em off, okay? So far, ladies and gentlemen,
the response from this particular community has not been especially
gratifying. Perhaps you're a little bit too intellectual here. Here's
something ... tasteful, very tasteful... You'll get into it. Oh, some
more-look-it's almost like going to a, well, never mind. Heh, heh, heh.
I just want to remind you that you are in direct competition with Chicago,
which so far has produced the highest yield of female underclothes
of any place in the United States. Oh, here's one, thank you very much.
Chicago, if you'll recall, was the town in which we received the very
famous Voodoo Butter Underpants... heh heh ... the pants that nearly
broke Tommy Mars' neck. As soon as he took a whiff of those, his head
went back this far, and he was heard to mutter 'Jeezus.' So, we don't
care what kind of condition they're in. What've we got there? 'Twat
Book,'okay. Uh huh, very good-Zeets, whadduya think? He already
has that one ... no problem, though. Well, tonight you're gonna be
entertained by; Ike Willis on guitar and vocals; Tommy Mars on
keyboards and 'Jeezus. 'You're also going to be entertaining

 

[fox69]

"Peaches III"

"Peaches III"


[FZ:]
Let's hear it for another great Italian, Conlon Nancarrow, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for another great Italian, ladies and gentlemen, Warren Cucurullo-work out, Warren.
Let's hear it for another great Italian, Al DiMeola, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for another great Italian, Alvin Lee, ladies and gentlemen...

Vinnie, Butzis, Vinnie's girlfriend, Butzis' girlfriend, Patty, Denny, uh, Marty... forget your name, even though you've been in the crew for awhile ... David, Ike ..."
[ED:] "I'm flippin'out."
[IKE:] "I'll flip you to see who gets the room tonight."
[FZ:] "Ed, another Vinnie, Arthur, Al DiMeola, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for coming to the show, hope you enjoyed it. On behalf of Alvin Lee, see you next time."

 

[fox69]

"Penguin In Bondage"

"Penguin In Bondage"



Thank you. (Brian, I could use a little bit more monitor). Hello hello (can't you turn it up any more than that?) Hello hello . . . Hey! Alright! Pardon me, folks. The name of this song is "Penguin in Bondage," an' it's a song that, uh, deals with the possible variations on a basic theme which is . . . well, you understand what the basic theme is. And then the variations include, uh, manoeuvres that might be executed with the aid of, uh, extra-terrestrial gratification and devices which might or might not be supplied in a local department store or perhaps a drugstore but at very least in one of those fancy new shops that they advertise in the back-pages of the free press. This song suggests to the suggestible listener that the ordinary procedure, uh, that I'm circumlocuting at this present time in order to get this text on television, is that, uh, if you wanna do something other than what you thought you were gonna do when you first took your clothes off and you just happened to have some DEVICES around . . . then it's, it's not only okay to get into the PARAPHERNALIA of it all but . . . hey! What did he say? Ready?

She's just like a Penguin in Bondage, boy
Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh . . .
Rennenhenninnahenninnenninahennn
Way over on the wet side
Of the bed (Knirps for moisture)

Just like the mighty Penguin
Flappin' her eight ounce wings
(The Penguin Flap)

Lord, you know it's all over
If she come atcha on the strut & wrap 'em all around yer head
Flappin' her eight ounce wings, flappinumm

She's just like a Penguin in Bondage, boy

Shake up the pale-dry
Ginger ale

Tremblin' like a Penguin
When the battery fail

Lord, you must be havin' her jumpin' through a hoopa real fire
With some Kleenex wrapped around a coat-hang wire

She's just like a Penguin in Bondage, boy
Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh . . .
Rennenhenninnahenninneninahenn
Howlin' over to some
Antarcticulated moon

In the frostbite nite
With her flaps gone white
Shriekin' as she spot the hoop across the room
(Everytime she sees the hoop)

You know it must be a Penguin bound down
If you hear that terrible screamin' and there ain't no other
Birds around

She's just like a Penguin in Bondage, boy
Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh . . .
She's just like a Penguin in Bondage, boy
Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh . . .
Rennenhenninnahenninneninahennnn
Aw, you must be careful
Not to leave her straps
TOO LOOSE

'Cause she just might box yer dog
She just might box yer doggie
An' leave you a dried-up dog biscuit . . .

 

[fox69]

"Penis Dimension"

"Penis Dimension"


Penis dimension
Penis dimension
Penis dimension is worrying me
I can't hardly sleep at night
'Cause of penis dimension

Do you worry?
Do you worry a lot?

No!

Do you worry?
Do you worry and moan . . .
That the size of your cock is not monstruous enough?

It's your penis dimension!
Penis dimension!

[Howard:]
Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah
Wah ooo-wah ooo-wah ooo-wah

[Mark:]
Hiya friends. Now just be honest about it. Did you ever consider the possiblity that your penis, and in the case of many dignified ladies, that the size of the titties themselves might provide elements of sub-conscious tension? Weird, twisted anxieties that could force a human being to have to become a politician! A policeman! A jesuit monk
[Howard:] [?]
[Mark:] A rock and roll guitar player! A wino! You name it. Or in the case of the ladies, the ones that can't afford a silicone BEEF-UP, may become writers of hot books
[Howard:] "Manuel, the gardener, placed his burning phallus in her quivering quim."
[Mark:] Yes, or they become Carmelite nuns!
[Howard:] "Gonzo, the lead guitar player, placed his mutated member in her slithering slit." Ha ha ha!
[Mark:] Ooh, or racehorse jockeys. There is no reason why you, or your loved one should suffer. Things are bad enough, without the size of your organ adding even more misery to the TROUBLES OF THE WORLD!
[Howard:] Right on, right on!
[Mark:] Now, if your a lady and you've got munchkin tits, you can console yourself with this age-old line from primary school..
[Mark & Howard:] ANYTHING OVER A MOUTHFUL IS WASTED! YES!
[Mark:] And isn't it the truth? And if you're a guy, and one night you're at a party and you're trying to be cool, I mean, you aren't even wearing any underwear, you're being so cool, and somebody hits on you one night, and he looks you up and down and he says, uh . . .
[Howard:] Eight inches or less?
[Mark:] Well let me tell you, brothers, that's the time when you got to turn around and look that sonofabitch right between the eyes, and you got to tell him these words..

 

[fox69]

"Pick Me, I'm Clean"

"Pick Me, I'm Clean"



Why not come over?
You'll meet my mother
You'll meet my sister
You'll like my brother
Really you will...
Then she said,
I'm learning English
lean say "thank you"
I think I like you
Do you like my band-aid?
I hope you do...
Oh, oh, oh
I am not busy
I'm free to travel
Where are you going?
Maybe you'll take me
I hope you do...
Oh, she asked me
Do you knowVinnie?
He used to like me
I speak good English
I'm bathing with Peter
Pick me, 1 in clean...
Vinnie goes bare-back
Peter goes wet-back
Denny goes way back
Eddie should get back
Pick me I'm clean .. .
Oh yeah, pick me I'm clean
Oh yeah, check out my band-aid
Oh yeah, pick me I'm clean
Oh yeah, check out my band-aid
Oh yeah, pick me I'm clean
Oh yeah, check out my band-aid
Oh yeah, pick me I'm clean
Oh yeah ...
Why not come over?
You'll meet my mother
You'll meet my sister
You'll like my brother
Really you will...
I'm learning English
I can say "thank you"
I think I like you
Do you like my band-aid?
I hope you do...
I am not busy I'm free to travel
Where are you going?
Maybe you'll take me
I hope you do...
Do you know Vinnie?
He used to like me
I speak good English
I'm bathing with Peter
Pick me, I'm clean ...

 

[fox69]

"Pinocchio's Furniture"

"Pinocchio's Furniture"


[includes part of the leather conversation]

[O'Hearn:] Oh-ho-ho-you don't think so, huh?

 

[fox69]

"Planet Of My Dreams"

"Planet Of My Dreams"



The planet of my dreams
The EARTH, my EARTH
Is bulging at me seams
The EARTH, my EARTH
It's full of many schemes
And as the sunlight beams
The glory of our sciences
And militant alliances
Reveal their BASIC WORTH
Along the mounds of dead appliances!

The planet of my dreams
The EARTH, my EARTH
I hear it's muffled screams
The EARTH, my EARTH
And though it often seems
From television beams
That ignorance is rampant there
And Governmental Goons don't care
I know that I shall not despair
And CHEAT like ALL THE REST
I'll just keep on
With what I do the best!

Cheat-cheedly-cheat! Go Ahead!
I CAN'T DO IT!
Cheat-cheedly-cheat! Go Ahead!
I CAN'T DO IT!
Cheat-cheedly-cheat! Go Ahead!
I CAN'T DO IT!
Cheat-cheedly-cheat! Go Ahead!
I CAN'T DO IT!