ADAM SANDLER

[Shadow Hunter]

"Toll Booth Willie"

"Toll Booth Willie"


[Car approaches]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Welcome to Worchester. Dollar twenty-five please."
[M1:] "Hey, how ya doin' Toll Booth Willie?"
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Good! Thanks fer askin, pop!"
[M1:] "Aww, that's great, you know, considering yer a fuckin' idiot!"
[Pays toll and drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Go fuck yourself you son of a bitch!
I'll come right outta the booth and fuckin' whack ya, you fuckin' prick!"

[Another car approaches]
[M2:] "Hey, hey, Willie! Hows it going?"
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Hey, can't complain, pop. Hows 'bout you?"
[M2:] "Oh, great, great. How much?"
[Toll Booth Willie:] "The state charges a dollar twenty-five, pop."
[M2:] "That's fine. Now should I give you the money,
or should I shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?"
[Pays toll and drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Why you fuckin' hard on!
I'll fucking Carlton Fisk yer fuckin' head with a Louise-ville fuckin' slugger!
Whadya think of that ass fuck!?"

[Another car approaches]
[F1:] "Hi Willie."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Oh, nice to see ya M'am. Not a bad day, huh?"
[F1:] "Well, I'm a little lost. Could you help me out?
I hear your the best with directions."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Well I know my way around New England.
I can tell ya that much. So where ya headed?"
[F1:] "Well, I was just wondering exactly which is the best way
to drive up your ass. You know, if you'd tell me,
I'd appreciate it, you fuckin' prick."
[Drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "You fuckin' bitch! Fuck you!
You forgot to pay the fuckin' toll you dirty whore!
I'll fuckin' drop you with a boot to the fuckin' skull you cum guzzling queen!"

[Another car approaches]
[M3:] "Hey Willie."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Hey, how are ya?"
[M3:] "Here's a dollar twenty-five, and go fuck yourself."
[Pays toll and drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Dah, you fuckin' prick!
I hope you choke on a fuckin' bottle cap, ya fuckin' son of a fuck!
Eat shit! Eat my shit!"

[Another car approaches]
[Bishop Nelson:] "Hello Willie. Good to see you."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Ahhh, Bishop Nelson. Nice to see ya.
That was quite a sermon you had the other day."
[Bishop Nelson:] "Hey, well I do my best."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Dollar twenty-five, Bishop."
[Bishop Nelson:] "Dollar twenty-five,
Willie. Isn't that the same price your mother charges for a blow job,
you piece of dog shit!?"
[Pays toll and drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Ohhh! Have another one, you fuckin' lush!
It's not my fault the bartender cut ya off last night ya fuckin' douche bag!"

[Another car approaches]
[M5:] "Hey!"
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Well hey!"
[M5:] "Yeah, do you want the money,
or should I just shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?"
[Pays toll and drives off]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Well, I already heard that one you fuckin' unoriginal bastard!
Go suck a corn you fuckin' piece of repeatin' shit!"

[Another car approaches]
[F2:] "Hi."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Oh, hi. How are ya?"
[F2:] "Fine, thank you. How much is the toll please?"
[Toll Booth Willie:]"For you sweetheart, it's a dollar twenty-five."
[F2:] "Here ya go."
[Pays toll]
[F2:] "Thank you."
[Begins to drive off]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Hey! Hey! Honey! Would you like a receipt with that?"
[F2:] "Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you so much."
[Toll Booth Willie scribbling a receipt for her]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "And here ya are."
[F2:] "Umm, do you think you could sign it?"
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Oh, uh.. sign it?"
[F2:] "Yeah, sign Toll Booth Willie was here."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Ok, sure. Uhh, by the way, what is this for?"
[Signing receipt]
[F2:] "Just so I could have proof for my friends that
I met the biggest fuckin' dip shit with the smallest dick alive.
You understand."
[Drives off]
[Crumples up paper]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Fuck you, you fuckin' upity bitch!
I'll fuckin' fuck you and all your lesbian fish-eating friends in front
of your fuckin' mothers! You're gonna die, bitch! I'm comin' outta the booth!"
[Opens the door and runs out of the booth]

[Car screeches and hits him]
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Ooooh! My fuckin' leg!"
[M6:] "Hey! You ran over Toll Booth Willie!"
[M7:] "Oh my God! I was always wondering what it would be like to run over a
dried up stinky dick licker."
[Toll Booth Willie:] "Why you fuckin' pricks.
I fuckin' hear every fuckin' word yer saying!
When this fuckin' leg heals,
I'm gonna kick you guys new fuckin' assholes!

[Everyone cussing eachother out]

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"Teenage Love On The Phone"

"Teenage Love On The Phone"
[Richie:] "So ya doin' good?"
[Samantha:] "Ya, I'm fine, how 'bout you?"
[Richie:] "How good could I be? I haven't seen you in three hours."
[Samantha:] "Ohhh, Richie. Hey Richie, my dad's down the hall,
and he doesn't want me on the phone.
So if I hang up on you, it's just because he's coming."
[Richie:] "Ok. So look, uh, do you wanna meet at the Spring Fling Dance thi..."
[She hangs up phone]

[Phone rings]
[Richie:] "Hello?"
[Samantha:] "Sorry, I thought he was coming."
[Richie:] "That's ok. So, about the dance. Do you wanna meet
[Samantha:] "Umm, well my brother gets the car on Friday nights."
[Richie:] "Well that's ok, I'll come by and get you. Lets say around..."
[She hangs up phone]
[Richie:] "Come on.."

[Phone rings]
[Richie:] "Hey."
[Samantha:] "Sorry. I guess he was just going to the bathroom."
[Richie:] "That's ok. Well look, uh.. what was I saying?
Oh yeah, should I pick you up at like seven-thirty
or maybe do you wanna go later when the dance is really kickin.."
[She hangs up the phone again]
[Richie:] "Give me a break..."

[Phone rings]
[Richie:] "Hello."
[Samantha:] "Sorry. It was just my dog."
[Richie:] "Hey, what's your dad's problem anyways!? Why can't we talk?"
[Samantha:] "He just thinks I'm on the phone too much.
Oh my God, uh, I gotta go."
[Richie:] "Don't hang up!"
[Samantha:] "Richie, I can't talk!"
[Richie:] "No, I'm sick of this! Put your dad on the phone! I wanna talk to him."
[Samantha:] "It's not my dad."
[Richie:] "What? Well, who's there? Why can't you talk?"
[Samantha:] "Uh, just look Richie, someone is here."
[Richie:] "Who's there? Is it a guy!?"
[Samantha:] "Richie!"
[Richie:] "I knew it! I'll kill him! Put him on the phone!"
[Samantha:] "oh.. it's just.. hold on."

[Hands phone to guy]
[Richie:] "Hey man! What the hell are you doing there!? Samantha's my girl!
You'd better stay away from her or I'll make you wish you were never born!"
[Buffoon:] "Fuckin' shit!"
[Richie:] "Yeah, fuckin' shit is right buddy!
Don't think I'm kidding around, man! I'm crazy! I'll smash your head in! I swear to God!"
[Buffoon:] "One time I saw my Grandmother in the shower. Her bush starts above her belly button."
[Richie:] "Yeah, well that's too bad! But I'm still gonna come over there and beat your face in!"
[Richie slams down phone]

[Samantha: "What happened? Was he mad?"
[Buffoon: "My neighbor's dog has a four inch clit!"
[Samantha: "Oh Buffoon, you're the coolest." [Whispering] "I love you..."

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"My Little Chicken"

"My Little Chicken"

When I'm feeling down
And feeling sad
You come around
And make me glad
I got you
Oh, my little chicken

I love your feet
I love your breasts
I love the way you eat gravel
To help you digest
Oh, my little chicken

People say you're using me
In your heart you're a killer
But I know the worst
I should fear is
A slight case of salmonella
So lie right back
Don't you cry
If an egg can fit in there
Why can't I.....mmmmmmm
Oh my little

Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk
Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk,
Bawk, Bawk, Bawking Bawk

You're my love
My little chicken likes
To wear garter belts

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"Joining The Cult"

"Joining The Cult"
[Sounds of Basketball being shot around]
[Sandler:] "Hey man, I'm joining a religious cult."
[Allen:] "Now, that's ridiculous."
[Sandler:] "Well, I'm joining it, so you gotta sign up too."
[Allen:] "What are you talking about?"
[Sandler:] "Hey, don't fuck me on this, man, just sign up."
[Allen:] "No, I'm not going to join a cult!"
[Sandler:] "I can't believe you're pulling this shit on me after Monday night --"
[Allen:] "What?
[Sandler:] "-- I wanted to watch Monday Night Football
and you wanted to watch that other show and we watched your show --
I did that for you!"
[Allen:] "Yeah, well, you kept flippin' back to the game."
[Sandler:] "I WANTED TO SEE THE FUCKIN' SCORE!
Whadda you gotta do that's so fucking importnat you can't join the religious cult with me?"
[Allen:] "Well, I was gonna go sunbathing."
[Sandler:] "Oh, boy, no no, I don't think you should do that.
Because this guy, Russell -- he's the leader-guy of the cult --"
[Allen:] "-- yeah --"
[Sandler:] "-- he was rambling on during one of the speeches
about the sun being bad, like the beast can't come out
because the sun's too bright and the sun hurts his eyes or something --
you show up all sunburned and that guy's gonna get pissed at you and me!"
[Allen:] "Well, I'm not in the cult, so I don't have to worry about pissing the leader guy off!"
[Sandler:] "Look, I'm -- starting to believe in some of the stuff the cult guy's been saying --
some of it makes a lot of sense!
[Allen:] "Well, good, but I don't want to join the cult.
We can still hang out; I just won't be in it with you."
[Sandler:] "The point is, I'm not gonna have time to hang out with you because I'm gonna be fuckin' busy with this fuckin' cult!"
[Allen:] "So I'll visit on weekends -- we'll work it out."
[Sandler:] "No, the weekends are like the busiest time --
that's when we go to flea malls and fuckin' malls and talk people into joining, man!"
[Allen:] "Can I join for just a little while?
I told my dad I'd go visit him in Florida in three weeks."
[Sandler:] "Well, just, we'll ask then, but we gotta join now."
[Allen:] "What's the hurry?"
[Sandler:] "There's a girl I wanna meet there, what the fuck's your problem?"
[Allen:] "Well, I mean I don't really have to believe in this stuff, do I?"
[Sandler:] "No, no, just fuckin' tell everybody you believe in this shit -- when they say the sun sucks, go,
"Yeah, fuck the sun, I fuckin' hate it too, long live the fuckin' beast."
[Allen:] "I don't know, man. This is crazy."
[Sandler:] "Look, they're gonna give you clothers, a free haircut, you're gonna get food --"
[Allen:] "-- it's not gonna be one of those weird haircuts, is it?"
[Sandler:] "It's gonna be a haircut, all right?
You said you need a haircut, they're gonna fuckin' cut your hair.
You're going in, saving twelve bucks, just fuckin' do it!"
[Allen:] "Do you think the hot girl has a friend for me?"
[Sandler:] "Yeah, sure, and if she doesn't, she'll go out and recruit one for you!"
[Allen:] "Well, all right. But, hey, if I don't like it, I'm going to escape, man."
[Sandler:] "OK, that's up to you."

[Three weeks later!]

[Chanting repeatedly] "The night time is the right time!
The night time is the right time!"
[Sandler:] "Hey buddy, are you glad you did this?"
[Allen:] "Oh, this is the best thing I ever did. Thank you."
[Sandler:] "You're not mad at them making you, uh, kill your father, are you?"
[Allen:] "You know, it's like they said. It was the only way to save him."
[Sandler:] "You're a good guy."
[Allen:] "You're a better one."
[Chanting resumes]

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"Respect"

"Respect"
[Nikki's grandfather:] hey, everybody! Nikki had his first day of school today!

[everybody:] oh, yeah, good nikki that's great. Respect!

[NG:] how ya doin Nikki?

[Nikki:] well, okay grandpa

[everyone:] oh, good he's okay. showin the respect. Respect!

[NGlights cigarette)] hey, Nikki tell us about your first day of school

[N:] School good! We do fingerpainting,

[ev:] oh, yeah, you gotta respect the fingerpainting. Yeah, respect the fingerpaint. Respect the smearing.

[NG:] alright, tell us some more Nikki!

[N:] we make pla-do,

[ev:] oh, you gotta love the pla-do. Respect the pla-do. give full respect to the pla-do. You put it, you roll it around, you show it respect.

[NG:] alright, did you smell the pa-do?

[N:] pla-do smell good!

[ev:] oh, you gotta respect the smell

[Sammy:] it's squishy! It's squishy!

[old men:] of course it's squishy, he knows it's squishy, it's pla-do. What are you, a moron? Sammy, shut the fuck up! My god, he's an idiot!

[NG:] tell grandpa some more

[N:] we have cookies and milk too!

[ev.:] oh, you gotta respect the cookies and milk. [scattered laughter] I respect cookies! Who doesn't respect cookies?!

[NG:] did you dunk it in the milk?

[N:] I dunk the cookie

[ev:] oh, you gotta respect the dunking. yeah. Ya gotta dunk it. Dunking's good. Respect the milk!

[N:] I like soggy cookies!

[Sammy:] respect the milk!

[om:] why, you fuckin moron. You must be an idiot! I just fuckin said that! You idiot!

[NG:] what else, nikki?

[N:] teacher read us 3 little pigs!

[ev:] oh, yeah respect the pigs. respect the bricks. Big respect for the pigs. You respect the pigs, they'll respect you.

[S:] don't respect the wolf!

[om:] Sammy, jump in front of a fuckin truck! You shut the fuck up sammy! Every single word that comes out of your fuckin mouth is so disrespectful!

[NG:] what else, Nikki?

[N:] well, I play on the playground, and I swing on the monkey bars...

[ev.:] oh, you gotta respect those monkey bars, man. gotta love thos monkey bars. And show the respect.

[Nthroughout chatter)] A boy pushed me off the see-saw.

[NG:] Quiet! quiet, everybody! What did you say?

[N:] A boy pushed me off the see-saw.

[NG:] and what is this boy's name?

[N:] his name Donny McMillan

[ev: (Slams Fist)] he's fuckin dead! He's a fucking dead man, you hear me? I'll fuckin cut his balls off and feed 'em to his fuckin mother! The kid's dead! This little fuck is dead!

[NG:] What else, Nikki?

[N:] I kiss a girl on the playground

[ev:] oh, respect for the young lover. Show respect, show respect.

[Sammy:] gotta respect the condom!

[om:] you fuckin moron, what are you talking about a condom you fuckin idiot? he's five fuckin years old! (I'm just sayin!) you fuckin idiot! I'll fuckin put a fuckin condom on your fuckin tombstone! Sammy, you're a moron!

[NG:] tell grandpa some more, Nikki

[N:] We sing the alphabet song!

[ev.:] Oh, you gotta respect the alphabet song. It's a good song! It's a good song, it helps you remember! You gotta respect it! Yeah, you gotta respect it!

[NG:] okay, let's hear you sing the song!

[S:] learnin-

[om:] sammy, shutup!

[N:] ok:

[Starts singing very off-tone]

A,
B,
C,

[om:] oh, respect!

D,
E,

[om:] respect!

F,
G,

[Sammy:] oh, you gotta respect the song!

[om:] sammy, shut the fuck up! He's fuckin trying to sing a fuckin song here, you moron! show a little respect!

H,
I,
J,

[om:] oh, you gotta show respect.

K,
L,
M,
N,
O,
P,

[om:] respect, respect, respect, respect! Oh, they always go together

Q,
R,

[om:] oh, you gotta show the respect

S,
T,
U,
V,

[om:] oh, respect the v. good letter.

W,
X,
Y,
and Z!

[om:] oh, respect the completion. You gotta show respect for the kid, he's a smart one!

[N:] now I know my abc's-

[ev.:] alright, we know the song. Alright, it's getting a little long. Let's move on.

[NG:] you do good in the spelling bee?

[N:] I can spell, grandpa!

[ev:] ah, respect the confidence! The kid can spell! Just like his grandfather his grandfather can spell!

[NG:] Okay, I'm gonna spell you something right now, and you tell me what I'm spellin okay?

[N:] okay grandpa

[NG:] okay, nikki?

[N:] okay, granpa

[NG:] you ready for this?

[N:] okay, granpa

[NG:] are you ready for this?

[N:] alright, grandpa!

[NG:] Alright, here we go!

[Old man:] R!

[OM:] E!

[OM:] S!

[OM:] P!

[S:] S!

[om:] what the fuck, s? Sammy what's fuckin wrong with you?!! You fuckin idiot! Where'd you learn to fuckin spell?!...

[NG:] alright my little angel, we're gonna spell the word for you again, and you're gonna tell grandpa what we're spellin, alright? Here we go,

[N:] Okay!

[NG:] and Sammy, you're gonna keep your fuckin trap shut!

[S:] consider it done!

[OM:] R!

[OM:] E!

[OM:] S!

[OM:] P!

[OM:] E!

[OM:] C!

[OM:] T!

[N:] uuuh,.....respect!

[ev:] respect! He got it, the kid's got it! He's one of us! He's got it!

Respect!
Respect!
Respect!
Respect!
Respect!
Respect!
Respect!
Respect!
Respect!

[chant fades]

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"Ode To My Car"

"Ode To My Car"

Here we go

Piece of shit car
I got a piece of shit car
That fuckin' pile of shit
Never gets me very far

My car's a big piece of shit
'Cause the shocks are fucking shot
And my seatbelt's fucking broken
I got to tie it in a knot
(It's a piece of shit)

I can't see through the windshield
'Cause it's got a big fucking' crack
And the interior smells real bad
'Cause my friend puked in the back
(It's a piece of shit)

(Piece of shit car)
Piece of shit car
(He's got a piece of shit car)
It sucks royal dick
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
100% crap
(Never gets him very far)
Oh fuck you car

It's got no CD player, it only got the 8-track
Whoever designed my car can lick my sweaty nut sack
(They can bite his ass too)
And I got no fuckin' brakes
I'm always way out of control
Eleven times a day I hear "Hey, watch it asshole"
(You fuckin' piece of shit)

(Piece of shit car)
I got piece of shit car
(He got a piece of shit car)
Diesel gas sucks my ass
(That fuckin' pile of shit)
That pile of metal shit
(Never gets him very far)

Oh what the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
What the fuck did I do
To get stuck with you
You're too wide for drive-through
And you smell like the shoe
But I'm too broke to buy something new
Oh fuck me

Well the engine likes to flood
The car always fuckin' stalls
And the seat cushion's got a big rip
So a spring always pokes the balls
(Ouch, ouch, ouch)
Plus the door locks are busted
I gotta use a fucking coat hanger
(What a pain in his ass)
And if a girlie sees my car
There's no chance I'll ever bang her
(He never ever gets the pussy)
Hey shut up
(Piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car

(You got a piece of shit car)
You piece of shit car
(Piece of shit car)
Bald fuckin' tires
(You got a piece of shit car)
No rearview fucking mirror
(Piece of shit car)
Seven different colors
(You got a piece of shit car)
Fucking rag for a gas cap
(Piece of shit car)
Tailpipe makes the sparks fly everywhere
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
(You got a piece of shit car)
(Piece of shit car)
Oh the whole town thinks I'm a loser
(You got a piece of shit car)
Cabby give me a push
(Piece of shit car...)

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"The Excited Southerner Orders A Meal"

"The Excited Southerner Orders A Meal"
[Adam:] And the now the excited southerner orders a meal at his favorite
diner.

[Waiter:] Hi, what can I get you today?

[Excited Southerner:] Hi, how are you...I was...if you could, tell me, if you...eh,
the chef salad, if it, does it come, if you come... a la carte, if you see the...I
saw the breakfast menu and the, and they got the, and the different entrees
with the dspe-dspe-dspe-dspecials today, and the the and...I'm watching my
weight...diabetic, with the low sodium...if you could broil...i-i-i-instead
of fried, I ya, just, hash browns...I wanted to mix the ketchup with the
may-mayonaise, make my own sauce, if that's, could bring out a separate
plate for that with the chicken, your chicken fried steak...the blue plate
special, does that come with the soup of the day, or-

[Waiter:] I'll come back when you're ready.

[Excited Southerner:] Hoooo...

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"The Goat"

"The Goat"
[ADAM:] I am a simple goat.
I live on the back of a pick-up truck.
The Old Man tied me here with a 3 ft. rope.
Am I happy?
He don't give a fuck.
[OLD MAN:] Hey goat!
I'm gonna beat your head in with the hickory stick!
[ADAM:] Sometimes he uses his fists-a.
He's filled with anger and filled with rage,
and tells me I smell like piss-a.
His drink, Jimmy Beam.
His chaser, a beer.
After that, various alchohols.
That's when the beatings get so severe,
I sleep,
I pray he falls.
But don't feel sorry for me.
Things weren't always this bad.
Why when I was a young talking goat,
the Old Man was just like my dad.

I come from the hills of Europe.
That's where I met the Old Man.
He was lost in the woods,
I gave him directions,
He gave me a tuna can.
Then he stopped in his tracks and he said,
[OLD MAN:] Hey goat!
[ADAM:] Would you like to live with me?
I got a house with a pick-up truck
in a place across D.C.-a.
I said, "sure why not? I got no family. You seem like a nice guy."
So we went off to America,
the home of apple pie.

On the boat the Old Man told me,
I would be a present for his wife.
"A talking goat," he exclaimed,
"She's never seen this in her life!"
I felt so special.
Well, I just couldn't believe it,
after all these years,
I finally had a friend.
He trimmed my beard,
he scraped my hooves,
I prayed it would never end.

But when we got to his house,
there was no wife.
Only a short, short letter.
It said : I'm leaving you for your brother
because he fucks me better.
His eyes filled with tears of sadness.
His heart was filled with grief.
To suit himself he drank a pint of Old Grandad,
and beat me like a side of beef.
I screamed, "send me back to the hills of Europe!"
He just shook his head and said,
[OLD MAN:] Nope!
[ADAM:] No one will ever leave me again,
to make sure,
put on the 3 ft. fucking rope-a.
Present-day I've been on the truck for 51 years.
My only friend is the A.M. radio.
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by,
but it's always rocks and beer bottles that they throw.
At first they're excited to see a talking goat,
they gather 'round to hear what I have to say.
But I guess sometimes my stories go on too long,
so they leave and giggle,
I need a bidet.
But you know there was a night
that I did get off the truck,
when the Old Man was passed out drunk.
Three neighborhood kids took me to a rock and roll concert.
The kind of music?
Old school funk.

It was the first time I'd been off the truck,
the music made me lose control.
The lead singer asked if we were having fun,
I said, "fucking crank that rock and roll-a!"
The women at the show were beautiful,
as they danced sexily on the soft grass.
One of them even petted my fur.
Fuck me in the goat ass!
Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
and threw me in the mosh pit-a.
They passed me around and treated me nice
til I nervously sprayed them with shit-a.
Then the music stopped.
And everything was quiet.
And all the rock and rollers started a
fucking goat riot.
[ROCK AND ROLLERS:] Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
[ADAM:] They chased me under the bleachers.
They chased me onto the street-a.
They chased me into an alley and said I was dead fucking goat meat-a.
But then I saw a sight,
that I'd never thought I'd see.
The Old Man swinging his hickory stick,
but he wasn't swinging at me.
[OLD MAN:] Fuck you pot smoking turkeys!
Don't you press your luck!
[ADAM:] The long-hairs ran away screaming
as I scrambled onto the truck-a.
When we got home the Old Man said, "goat you broke the sacred law."
[ADAM:] No!
Please!
Sorry!
Shit!
"I'll let it go this time,
but if you leave again,
I'll break your fucking jaw."
Super!
Great!
Okay!
Thank you Old Man for saving my life.
Thank you again and again.
You could have let them barbeque me,
but you acted like a friend.
"I'm not your friend.
I don't even like you.
I'm just not drunk," he said.
To prove his point,
he drank a bottle of grain alchohol,
and beat the fucking shit out of my head.
Ow! Ow! Ow! You're hurting me Old Man.

That night I suffered a concussion,
Deep inside my goat brain.
I still cannot feel my tailbone.
And I'll probably will never walk straight again.
I guess you'd call me,
escape goat.
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock.
Just because his wife left him,
for his brother's abnormaly large cock.
He could've been my buddy.
But instead he's a crazy old fuck.
And once again I go to sleep,
in my eternal home.......
the back of the pick-up truck.
Good night Old Man!
[OLD MAN:] Yeah, good night goat!

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"The Chanukah Song"

"The Chanukah Song"

"Okay...
This is a song that uhh..
There's a lot of Christmas songs out there and uhh..
not too many Chanukah songs.
So uhh..
I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don't get to hear
any Chanukah songs.
Here we go..."

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew

You don't need "Deck The Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock"
'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock- both Jewish

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew- he converted
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish- not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is
All three Stooges
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonicah
Oh this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah
Happy Chanukah

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"The Excited Southerner Gets Pulled Over"

"The Excited Southerner Gets Pulled Over"
[Adam Sandler:]
And now the excited Southerner gets pulled over by a cop.

[Cop:]
Do you realize how fast you were going sir?

{Excited Southerner:]
Yes..yes I do...and uh there is an explanation for that...first of all..let me
start off by saying...I...I...I...I...I...you...you...you... you...work very
hard...and I do respect what you do...protectin and uh
servin...I...I...I...speedometer...got the...lead foot...you got the radar
gun...not reliable...I...I...got the diarrhea...got to...get home..for
the...whoo...it...uh...it pregnant wife...she's at the hospital right
now...giving birth to twins...I gotta get there...got...the guy next to me
was...going faster than me....just keeping up...with the traffic...my
cousin's....also a state trooper...in New Jersey...maybe you could talk to...a
tree branch was...covering the speed limit sign...with a...and a truck was
tailgating me...I just hope...

[Cop:]
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Here's your ticket. Save it for the judge.