ADAM SANDLER

[Shadow Hunter]

ADAM SANDLER

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"Assistant Principal's Big Day"

"Assistant Principal's Big Day"
[Speaking through a microphone]
"Good morning students and faculty,
If I could have your attention please.
As you may, or may not know,
Principal Cambell will not be here for the rest of the week due to a throat infection.
Leaving me, assistant principal Dunbar,
as the school's lone administrator for the next few days."

"Though the policies set forth by Principal Cambell will remain the same,
there will be some additional regulations you must also follow."

"Number one -
smoking outside the administration building will only be allowed during lunch periods."

"Number two -
the girls' showering facilities will be moved from the locker room into my inner office where I can watch the girls wash their breasts and buttocks while I play with myself."

"Number three -
while showering, none of the girls will be allowed to snicker or laugh at the size of my genitalia.
Eye contact with me is also prohibited."

"Number four -
girls are encouraged to wash each other freely as I build towards orgasm."

"Number five -
while i am ejaculating, the boys gymnastic team must undress each other
spread eagle in front of me and satify each other orally until I have completed ejaculating."

"Finally, rule number six -
any student caught writing grafitti or defacing school property will be automatically suspended,
unless they are masturbating."

"If you have any questions about these new regulations,
I will be in my office spanking it with a thumb up my ass."

"Good day"

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"The Buffoon And The Dean Of Admissions"

"The Buffoon And The Dean Of Admissions"
"And now a buffoon's meeting with the dean of admissions at a prestigious college."

[Dean:] "Well Michael, I would like to extend my warmest congradulations
on your upcoming graduation and I understand
you are interested in matriculating here in the fall."

[Buffoon:] "I got a snake, man!"

[Dean:] "Yes, pets are welcome here on campus.
Be it the traditional dog, or cat, or even the occasional reptile."

[Buffoon:] "One time I fed it some beer man! It was slithering this way and that!
It was all fucked up!"

[Dean:] "I'm sure it was.
Well we discourage inappropriate drinking among both students
and pets here on campus."

[Buffoon:] "Fuckin' Shit!"

[Dean:] "Yes, that's a not uncommon reaction to this policy.
So tell me a little bit more about your background."

[Buffoon:] "My father's a fucking asshole, man!"

[Dean:] "Hmm, I see. Your feelings of rebelion are not unusual at your age son."

[Buffoon:] "My mother's a piece of shit too!"

[Dean:] "Well, I hope you can find an outlet for your hostility
over the summer so you can come to school in the fall relaxed
and ready to learn."

[Buffoon:] "My teacher in high school was a stupid bitch, man!
She had her head way up her ass!"

[Dean:] "Well the quality of the faculty at a University
such as ours far exceeds that of a local public high school."

[Buffoon:] "Your secretary's a real fat bitch, man!"

[Dean:] "Yes, she's tried many diets over the years with minimal success."

[Buffoon:] "I had diarhea last month. I had to shit all fucking day!"

[Dean:] "Uh huh, Well we all get the occasional stomach bug,
never a pleasurable experience.
So have you given any thought to your choice of major?"

[Buffoon:] "I've got a big fucking boner right now."

[Dean:] "I see. Well sexual arrousal is not uncommon during periods
of nervous tension. I do not take offense."

[Buffoon:] "One time I ate my neighbors shit!"

[Dean:] "That's understandable. Well, I enjoyed meeting you.
We'll be sending you our decision by the end of the month."

[Buffoon:] "I bet you got really hairy balls."

[Dean:] "Yes, it's a veritable forest down there. Bye bye."

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"Buddy"

"Buddy"


[Moving Train]
"Next stop! Coopersville!"

[Two guys talking]
"Hey Buddy"
"Buddy!"
"How was the bathroom Buddy, pretty gruesome?"
"Buddy, I had to hold my breath Buddy!"
"Eheh Buddy, don't even tell me about it Buddy!"
"Buddy I know."
"Buddy, M&M's?"
"Chocolate me, Buddy!... Tasty Buddy!"
"Buddy definitely"
"Hey get in on this drink Buddy!"
"Buddy, don't mind if I do"
"It's a bloody, Buddy"
"Buddy, it's killer!"
"BUDDY!"
"Sorry Buddy"
"Save me some Buddy!"
"Buddy I said I was sorry!"
"That's ok Buddy"

[Two more guys enter]
"Hey Dude!"
"Hey Buddy!"
"Dudes, you know this dude?"
"What's up Dude?"
"Hey Buddy"
"Buddy, sit down"
"Have some bloody Buddy"
"Dude"
"Dudes, here's a sixer, Budweiser time"
"Yeah, Bud Buddy"
"Yeah Dude"
"Cold ones Dude"
"Buddy, killer!"
[Drinking]
"I'm buzzing Buddy!"
"Dude, I know!"
[Female walking by]
"Oh Dude, check it, she's killer!"
"I want some of that Buddy"
"Oh Buddy, save some for me"
"Dude, that's my ex-girlfriend"
"Oh, sorry Buddy"
"Just watch it Dude!"
"Hey lay off him Buddy"
"Dude, don't get him started"
"I said I was sorry Buddy"
"Dude, let's just drop it"
"Buddy?"
"It's cool Dude"

[Two more guys enter]
"Hey Homey's"
"What's up Homeys?"
"Hey Buddy"
"What's up Dude?"
"Just chillin' Homey"
"Cool Buddy"
"Yeah Dude"
"Buddy"
"Homey"
"Dude"
"Homey"
"Dude"
"Buddy"
"Dude, check it out, a prison"
"Oh Buddy, imagine being stuck in there"
"I know Dude, that would suck"
"Homey, my brother is in there"
"Oh Buddy"
"Sorry about that Dude"
"Bummer Buddy"
"Bad timing Homey"
"I know Buddy"
"Sorry Dude"
"Not your fault Homey"
"I know, but Buddy"
"No, it's cool Homey"

"Dude, there's another train on this track"
[Sound of another train]
"Uh Buddy, it's coming at us"
[Train horn sounding]
"Dude!"
"Homey!"
"Buddy!"
"Buddy!"
"Homey!"
"DUDE!"

[Trains crashing]
"Dude?"
"Buddy, my head"
"Homey, get off me"
"Buddy, I can't see"
"What just happened to us Dude?"
"Homey, I told you, we should have taken the bus!"

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"The Longest Pee"

"The Longest Pee"
[Line of people talking]
"Hey man, let me in there first"
-"Go ahead man, take it easy"
"Thanks, I really gotta pee"

[Open door, close door]
[Unzip pants]
[Start pissin..........groaning....]
"Oh man"
[.....]
"Ohhh yeah"
[.....]
"Ahhhh"
[......Stop Briefly]
"Ahh"

[Start Pissing again..]
"Oh man"
[........]
"Oh man"
[...............]
"Oh Man"
[.......gets louder]
"OH MAN"
[..........and louder]
"OH MAN!!"
[............as loud as a hose]
"OH MAN!!! OH.."
[...........]
"Oh no!"
[........]
"Oh Man!"
[...............slows down]
"ahhh"
[Stops]
"Ahhhhhh...There ya go"

[Fart! Starts pissing loudly again]
"Oh! OH MAN!"
[..............]
"OH MY GOD!"

[Banging on the Door]
[Pissing slows down to dribble]
"I'll be out in a minute!"
[....dribbling...]
"oh..oh my"
[Stops]
"oh...Oh thank God"

[Zips up pants]
[Pisses in pants]
"Awwww MAN!"

[People laughing]
-"Hey man, you pissed in your pants"
"I know"
-"So did I"
"I guess that makes us piss pals"
[Horrible annoying laughter]
[Rasberry]

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"Food Innuendo Guy"

"Food Innuendo Guy"
Ooooh yeah
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stew your tomato
Baby, baby, baby, I want to french fry your potato
Baby, baby, baby, won't you pluck my grapes
Won't you peel my banana like a pack of wild apes?
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy

Baby, baby, baby, you got honeydew melons
Baby, baby, baby, can't you see my brocolli swelin
Oh baby, baby, baby, I wanna taste your watercress
I wanna slip my celery stick up the back of your dress
I'm your food innuendo guy, your food innuendo guy

Oh what will it take
Don't go so soon
You'll miss my carrot cake
And my cream of mushroom

Oh baby, baby, baby, my jalapeno's red hot
Baby, baby, baby, I wanna stuff all that cabbage you got
I'm your food innuendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh yeah
Oooooooh yeah

Oh baby, baby, baby, you got eggplant parmigiana
Baby, baby, baby, bite my zucchini if you wanna
I'll give you fresh fruit salad
I don't get it from no can
Your string bean days are over
I'm your cucumber man
I'm your food inunendo guy, food innuendo guy
Oh so delicious

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"The Beating Of A High School Janitor"

"The Beating Of A High School Janitor"
"And now, the sever beating of a high school janitor."

[Mopping sounds]
Mop, mop, mop
All day long
Mop, mop, mop
While I sing this song

[Sound of someone walking towards him]
Gonna wax the floor
Gonna make it shine
Gonna take of the spray paint
With turpentine

"Hey! Don't walk there! I just mopped!"
[Person walking quickly towards him]
[Beating sounds]
"Hey!"
[Beating sounds]
"Get offa me!"
[Beating sounds]
"That's my bucket!"
[Beating sounds]
"Let go of my side burns!"
[Beating sounds]
[Sound of falling down into glass]

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"Right Field"

"Right Field"
[Russel: Shouting] "Come on Robert! Pitch it in there, baby!
We're behind you here in right field! One down!
Two to go! Hum it now! Yeah! Show 'em the magic! This chump can't hit!"
[Whispering to himself] "Please God, don't help him hit it to me.
Anywhere but to right field. Please God, I bet you."
[Shouting] "Come on now! No batter! No batter! Big whiffer! Big whiffer!"
[Whispering] "Oh please, don't let him hit it to me. My God, not to me."
[Shouting] "Steam it baby! Steam it!"
[Whispering] "Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no, Oh God no."
[Ball is hit]

[Russel: Shouting] "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
[Whispering] "Oh good! It's not to me."
[Shouting] "Good catch, Steven! Nice glove!
You da man! Two away now! Lookin' good!
We're all looking good out here! Come on Robert!
This lump of crap can't hit!"
[Whiserping] "Oh God, he's a leftie! A big leftie!
Total power to hit it. He's gonna pile it right to me and there's nothing I can do to stop him."
[Shouting] "Pitch 'em the funny one, Robert! Big whiffer! Big whiffer!"
[Whispering] "Oh he is a natural athlete and I am so worthless.
Please God, take his life. Make him die."
[Shouting] "No batter! No batter!"
[Ball is hit]

[Russel: Whispering] "Oh God. This is not happening.
No, don't do this to me. Please. Make it stop."
[Ball hits Russel]
[Russel:] "OWWWW! My elbow!"
[M1:] "Throw it to second! Pick it up already!"
[Russel:] "Take it! Just take the ball!"
[Russel tosses the ball]
[M2:] "Nice throw, you pansy!"
[Russel: Whispering] "Ok, get under control.
Easy now, easy. Say something to the team."
[Shouting] "Good hussle everybody! Yeah! Nice work! Play's at third!"
[Whispering] "That wasn't funny, Lord. I've been so good and for what!?"
[Shouting] "Come on, Robert! Settle down! Just throw straight!
You get it across the plate! We'll take care of the rest!"
[Whispering] "Oh no, another lefty."
[Ball is hit]

[Russel: Shouting] "NOO! Why me again!?"
[Ball hits Russel]
[Russel:] "OWWWW! My neck!"
[Panting & Whining] "I can't breath. I can't breath."
[M2:] "Pick it up and throw it, you moron!"
[Russel: Whining] "Here..come on, here.. Take the ball! Take it!"
[Russel kicks ball]
[M1:] "Way to kick it in, Pele!"
[Russel: Shouting] "Oh hahaha. Pele! Good one! Hehehe..
Ok! Come on! Suck it up guys! We'll get those runs back!
This is where we dig down!
We just need one more out!"
[Whispering] "Oh look! A rightie! Oh Lord, thank you. Thank you so much. I owe you."
[Shouting] "This loser can't hit! No batter! Come on, this is where we take them out!"
[Whispering] "Uh oh, what's happening? Where's the rightie going? What?
Who's this guy? He's a leftie and he's pinch hitting. No! No!"
[Shouting] "Why's he pointing at me!?"
[Ball is hit]

[Russel: Shouting] "Oh my Lord! What have I done to deserve this?!"
[M3:] "I got it! I got it!"
[Running over to the ball near Russel]
[Thud! Crashes into Russel]
[M3:] "Whoa! Sorry about that, Russel. Are you ok?"
[Russel: Shouting] "HELL YEAH! We're up now! It's our turn to kick a little ass!"
[M3:] "All right, Russel. I think you're up first."
[Russel:] "NOOOOO!!"

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"The Buffoon And The Valedictorian"

"The Buffoon And The Valedictorian"
"And now the buffoon's date at the drive-in with the school's valedictorian."

[Valedictorian:] "I really appreciate you're asking me out.
Most people are intimidated by my high academic achievement."

[Buffoon:] "This movie sucks shit!"

[Valedictorian:] "Well, Ebel gave it thumbs up,
but Ciscel thought it was too preachy.
Anyway, I enjoyed the director's last film immensly."

[Buffoon:] "Cathleen Turner has big fuckin' tits!"

[Valedictorian:] "Yes, well, she recently had a child.
I think her maternal biology may play a role in that.
She looks fabulous for a woman her age, doesn't she?"

[Buffoon:] "I put a firecracker in a bullfrog's mouth and blew his fuckin' head off."

[Valedictorian:] "Well, in psychology we learned that it is not uncommon
for male adolescents to commit savage acts on animals as part of their maturing process."

[Buffoon:] "That girl in the fucking car in front of us, she gives everybody head."

[Valedictorian:] "Well, I guess she's strong for attention and she feels promiscuity is the only way to obtain it."

[Buffoon eating popcorn]
[Buffoon:] "This popcorn's fuckin' terrible. It tastes like someone jizzed all over it."
[Buffoon continues to eat popcorn]

[Valedictorian:] "Well the amount of semen on this popcorn is certainly disturbing.
Perhaps the staff in the refreshment stand was overcome
by the monotony of their work and decided to play a childish prank."

[Buffoon:] "I looked at my asshole in the mirror today. It blew my fuckin' mind!"

[Valedictorian:] "It's ironic that parts of one's body seems odd
and unusual because you don't see them on a day to day basis.

[Buffoon:] "My father's shit stinks up the bathroom all fuckin' day!"

[Valedictorian:] "It's puzzling why one person's fecal odor can be more overpowering than another's.
I wonder whether it is a function of the food digested or that person's internal metabolism."

[Buffoon:] "I'm gonna go get head from that fuckin' girl."
[Gets out of the car]

[Valedictorian:] "Well, I'm sorry to see the date come to such an abrubt conclusion."
[Buffoon walking away]
"I do appreciate the time you spent with me and look forward to a future rondevue."

[Buffoon:] "I like to piss in that guy's fuckin' gas tank!"

[Valedictorian:] "Bye bye! Have fun."
[Buffoon continues to walk away]

 

[Shadow Hunter]

"Mr. Spindel's Phone Call"

"Mr. Spindel's Phone Call"
[Phone Rings]
[Mr. Spindel picks it up]
[Mr Spindel:] "Hullo!"
[Student: Whispering] "Hey Mr. Spindel. How's algebra class going?"
[Chuckling]
[Mr Spindel:] "Whut!?"
[Student: Whispering] "You're in for a big surprise tommorrow during 5th period!"
[Chuckling]
[Mr Spindel:] "Hey! Who is this!"
[Student Hangs up phone]

[Dial tone]
[Mr Spindel:] "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
[Mr Spindel:] "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
[Mr Spindel:] "Who is this!?"
[Dial tone]
[Mr Spindel:] "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
[Mr Spindel:] "Answer me!"
[Dial tone]
[Mr Spindel:] "Who is this!?"
[Dial tone]
[Mr Spindel:] "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
[Mr Spindel:] "For God's sake! Who are you!?"
[Dial tone]
[Mr Spindel:] "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]
[Mr Spindel:] "Hullo!"
[Dial tone]

[Operator recording playing "If you'd like to make a call..."]
[Mr Spindel:] "Who is that!?"
[Recording continues]
[Mr Spindel:] "Hullo!"
[Recording continues]
[Mr Spindel:] "Who are you!?"
[Recording continues]
[Mr Spindel:] "Please answer me!"
[Silence]

[Bleeping noise]
[Mr Spindel:] "Oh God! Who is this!?"
[Bleeping]
[Mr Spindel:] "Please stop it! Why are you doing this!?"
[Bleeping]
[Mr Spindel:] "WHY!? WHY!?"
[Bleeping]
[Mr Spindel:] "Just tell me your name."
[Bleeping]
[Mr Spindel:] "Please."
[Bleeping]
[Mr Spindel:] "I'm gonna hang up!"
[Bleeping]
[Mr Spindel:] "I'm warning you!"
[Bleeping]
[Mr Spindel:] "Hullo!"
[Bleeping]
[Mr Spindel:] "Whoever this is, I'm gonna hang up!"
[Bleeping]
[Mr Spindel:] "That's it!"
[Bleeping]
[Mr Spindel:] "Damn you kids!!"
[Bleeping]
[Mr Spindel:] "Damn you!!"
[Slams down phone]

[Phone rings]
[Mr. Spindel picks it up]
[Mr Spindel:] "Hullo?"
[Ted:] "Yeah, Bill."
[Mr Spindel:] "Oh, TED!"
[Ted:] "I've been trying to get through to you forever.
Who have you been talking to?"
[Mr Spindel:] "I don't know. So help me God! I don't know!"